today is alright I guess, it’s not good or bad… I went to a meeting this morning, it was good — my numbers are kind of shit, but not any more shit than usual… it’s the everyday sort of okay that I’m fighting not to accept. I don’t want to be okay with this. This is not okay. I want to excel, I want to be active, I don’t want to constantly be planning for the next doctor’s appointment, noting down symptoms and changes, counting days on a calendar in between marked events, calculating insulin ratios, calling insurance companies, doing coverage math in my head, trying to figure out how in the hell I’m going to affording living with diabetes in the long term, what this means for me personally, socially, professionally… and then I remember that today is just today, and I can’t do anything about anything else than right now… that lasts maybe five seconds and then I start worrying again, maybe it’s like learning to pause before reacting when I first got sober… extending the time one second at a time… breathing, remembering I’m not in control… 1-2-3… fuck it… breathe… 1-2…. this is going to be fucking process… what else is new. Out.