the parts are slowly arriving, just waiting on the insulin pump — I’m scared. I’ve told people that I’m doing this because it’s cool, but also to help stop me from backing out. The volatility is comfortable, it’s what I’m used to — I don’t know how to function in any other way than I am functioning right now. And more than that I am afraid to hope that there could be another way. because if I hope and fail it will be worse than if I didn’t try at all… that is how I feel, but in the next breath I’m going to tell you that that is a pile of horse shit. there are plans out there, not “plans” from the universe, but actual plans that I can read on github that can guide me to building my own solution, a better tool than the ones I have, a smarter tool that could help me live better, both mentally day to day, but also in the long term, better health outcomes, no amputations, no loss of sight, no limits… I have things I want to do. I want to hike the grand canyon, I want to climb machu pichu, these are just the first two I can think of right now… those things can be done with the tools I wear already, but they could be done better, easier for me, with better tools. But I am still afraid. most of the parts to build a better tool, the artificial pancreas are sitting in a box on my coffee table in the apartment I live in that is in the same building as my friend… not only because that’s fun and awesome, but also because if my parents see my dexcom reading drop too low, they can call said friend so he can come down and administer glucagon, so I don’t die alone in said apartment… this is my reality. I have the parts to make a change, to try to build a better tool. but I’m still scared. every time I think about building it I feel a spike of excitement, and then a second wave of fear, warning me not to get too excited because I could fail… warning me against trying because then I would be doubly disappointing because not only would I have failed at a project, I would also have failed at creating a better life for myself. Invalidating my status as a patient engineer, making me a failure… I recognize that these are just feelings and that there is an entire community out there for me to reach out to and ask questions of, rooting for me to succeed in this project… but I am still scared. In this next week, waiting for the delivery of the last part… the crucial part, the insulin pump which will take suggestions from the closed loop system… I will work to turn the fear into determination, to translate it into power to get this shit done, and ignore all the other shit I’ve just talked to you about. TBD, will report back.