I’ve always tried to distance my A1c value and my self-worth, but it’s really hard not to see yourself, or at least your success or failure in that number. Just like blood sugar everyday — is it a good number? have I been good? is it a bad number? is it my fault? am I good or bad? what does this mean for the rest of my day. I’m trying to get some other health stuff in order and to move forward I need a letter from my endocrinologist saying that I’m in good health enough for it and right now the answer is no… that phone call hurt. Everything else is in order, but my blood sugar. It’s a fucking kick in the gut… It’s been just about a month on #OpenAPS, but it will take 2 more months for this new life to be on an A1c instead of post-OpenAPS numbers balancing out pre-OpenAPS numbers. The ADA A1c calculator (average BG pulled from Dexcom Clarity) says that I should come in at 8.0… which should be enough (my last one was 8.9), but I hate having to depend on a number that I work so hard to not use to validate my self-worth. My doctor put in an order for a new test… I’m nervous, in a shitty way. I hate this so much.  (my OpenAPS only updated calculated A1c is 7.1 — waiting on that to become a reality…)