So my most recent A1c was not great. I’m scared — I’ve become comfortable with vulnerability, it’s been the only way I’ve been able to make progress, but it’s hard when it feels like I’m living in a constant state of fear.
I’ve had a rough couple of weeks at work — I was so excited to accept a position teaching at the school I just graduated from, bringing up the next class of web developers in a program focused on helping student transform their lives (I know it’s a bit over the top, but really almost every student is here to make a drastic change in their lives, transformation seems to be the only word that fits) , but then my lead instructor turned out not to be what I needed or wanted in a boss — it took a month of trying to find a solution, going through the right channels, but I finally am now in a situation where I am happy and feel like I can actually grow and help the students grow as well. My whole body relaxed when I found out I wasn’t going to have to work with him anymore — Friday night, the ending of the week that ended this drama, I slept 14 hours more or less straight through.
My numbers have shown the stress, I’ve been stuck in the low 200s and can’t seem to kick it — and my body, my mood, my A1c reflects it. I’m hoping that with this new page at work I can slowly start to make the correction. It’s just so scary and I can’t decide which is worse, long term complications or short term sharp lows… I had to treat a low while teaching a lesson the other day… pounding a gatorade in between calling on students — hoping that my voice wouldn’t start shaking enough for them to notice, hoping that today would not be the day my co-workers would be tested on whether or not they really understood how to administer the glucagon… and then just like that, with half a gatorade down, I was in the 200s again… not great, but safe. I know there is a better way, I’m just tired — this is hard and there is no opt out button. Hopefully the new work situation will allow me to allocate effort back to my personal stuff… and when I say stuff, really I mean health and well being, because let’s be real, I don’t get to have stuff that comes before my health… and if my health takes up all my bandwidth, then I don’t get any time/effort for my stuff, for projects, for going outside, for doing anything other than taking care of my fucking heath… for 10 minutes of forgetting that I have this stupid disease. rant over. I need to grasp some of this time and actually go build some shit… a Harry Potter API may not be the best use of my time, but it’s fun, so there’s that, haha
Perhaps rather than ‘fear’ it is distrust. (I know sometimes I can rely on my T1D knowledge, tools & awareness. But other times I can’t trust my body, my tester, my vial of insulin, etc.) I wonder if there’s a ‘school of life’ kinda thing that provides daily cklists & worksheets, lesson / practice plans, exercises, etc. that help reorient oneself towards TRUST. Couldn’t hurt…