I was really excited to obtain and process my own data… except I can’t (or haven’t been able to at this point) be able to use my efforts in a way that can answer the questions I have in a timeframe that is actually helpful. I need to be able to cross over my UP24 data (food and exercise) with my OmniPod data (insulin rates and boluses), with my dexcom (blood sugar reporting) — I want to know if what I’m doing is working. If walking at night vs. walking in the morning has affected my sugars in a good way or a bad way, or if the effect is neutral… in a way that I can understand and act upon, within a timeframe that is relevant. I know that this is actually asking a lot, but it is also something that I believe would be a catalyst in my care… in the way that I am able to live my life, my quality of life, my ability to live better and avoid long term consequences of my body’s inability to regulate my own blood sugar. a fact that is not my fault. a fact that I cannot fix or think my way out of. no changes in my diet or plans or spreadsheets are going to make this go away. and this makes me feel so upset, and frustrated, and confused, and I can’t remember a time where I accepted that fact about anything. there are times when I have balanced it out and decided that the juice is not worth the squeeze, but this is not one of those times. I feel like I have hit a brick wall. I have accepted walking as exercise… do you realize how absolutely ridiculous that is? I am 27. I was doing crossfit. I played year round lacrosse for years… I passed the US Navy physical for 3 years running… sometimes just barely, but I never failed to meet a physical standard. Until now. I feel broken. I don’t remember at time before diabetes where I have felt that my hope was in question. I am close to giving up, or I have felt like giving up. I have been on a nutrition plan since october and have vacillated around the same weight the whole time… when I decide to do something I don’t fail. I feel like this is ruining that fact. I find ways to fix things, to figure things out that’s what I do. Fuck this. now back to figuring this out. fuck.