without going into it too much I hurt my ankle tubing down a river this weekend… I also smacked my chest and almost ripped off my dexcom sensor/transmitter… yup the same one that I just had replaced. So I took off the sensor yesterday and I just haven’t put it back on yet… I know that I need to, but I just don’t feel like it. I don’t even care what my numbers are right now. I just don’t care. I’m so over everything. I should be tweaking my (diabetes related) capstone project, or working on my Open APS, or writing my… so many things… so I took a break from writing this and did some things… then I sort of felt like I was shaking, but I’m not wearing a sensor so who the fuck knows… just tested… 57… fuck me. so the “do I really need the dexcom?” test has been proven again, again, again… not that I really needed to prove it again, to anyone except for maybe myself…. and yet I still sit here typing, not having eaten anything, not even checked my bag for anything, in fact I’m only 50% sure I even have any sugar with me right now. I’m going to end up in trouble… this is really no bueno… I tell myself still sitting here, still doing nothing. I guess I kind of feel like a dexcom is something for little kids, something I should have grown out of needing already, the training wheels still hanging on that I “should have” shed already — these assumptions make no sense, diabetes doesn’t acknowledge age or supposed maturity, there isn’t a way to “test out of” this phase of diabetes. Ignoring this isn’t going to make it go away, but I guess I’m going to try anyway. This doesn’t feel like an active decision, it just feels like not having the effort to do something else on top of everything else. I just don’t want to, it feels like I can’t. I can feel my balance starting to go off, even just sitting still in this chair, so I should probably really take care of this. I know all of the bad things that come along with this… one of these days I’m actually going to end up in the hospital, not today I don’t think, we’ll see I guess. I feel like I already know the outcome… another rebound high sitting in my apt, not being functional enough to get anything done, not peaceful enough to get to sleep. Another night of interrupted sleep, waking up tomorrow with a list of things I didn’t get done tonight because diabetes killed another night/day/time of being able to be productive. Really it’s a miracle I’m able to even write at this point… I wonder if this will make any sense if I read it later… whatever. fuck everything.
Sensor went back on — it’s peaceful, but stressful without it… while walking/hiking I didn’t have to deal with the incessant alarms, but I also think I dropped really low based on shaking and didn’t stop to test. I’m a terrible diabetic… at least I’m a terrible diabetic who is still alive… the other option would kind of suck.
Good news is that Dexcom is replacing my transmitter, so hopefully I’ll then be able to start using the G5 app again, because it’s super lame to have to use the receiver… funny how spoiled I’ve gotten, last year I had just barely been able to use the apple watch to see my numbers, which were still relayed to my phone from the receiver… now I walk around with just my phone in my pocket, almost like a real girl. or I will once I get this new transmitter. *Side note the guy I talked to at Dexcom was super sweet, after I walked him through everything I’d tried and he confirmed the transmitter’s performance with my data he told me I should call them sooner if I’m having a problem and not to wait so long… true life feedback, ask for help sooner.
So my capstone project is relatively done, I still have some stuff I want to do, but then I want to get it on ionic.io and in the app store, at least as v1 so I can get it out to other diabetics and chronic patients for feedback and input on future features. I’m excited to start really using it myself too! Also, being done with my capstone means I can start work on Open APS again!
My iPhone has been on the fritz or so I thought, turns out when I uninstall the dexcom G5 app it’s just fine… I had a hunch from having to have a phone replaced and then having the second one start freaking out in exactly the same way… I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this moving forward… is it this specific transmitter? is anyone else running into this issue? use another phone/device? shit I was using the other iPhone for app development testing… but if I need it for my dexcom, I guess I’ll figure it out, but shit, then that phone will need a data plan… just use the dex receiver? ugh, please no. how will I handle the relay to my watch? to nightScout? (right now my new site — which is also part of my OpenAPS development — is tied into the g5 relay)… fuck, this has even more downstream consequences than I realized… guess we’ll start with a question to the diabetes support fb group and a call to try to get this transmitter replaced before cracking the seal of my other one and gambling on a) that being the problem and b) that one then lasting through when insurance will cover my next ones… fml.
So yeah, also as of right now I’m not wearing a sensor, at all — I figured if I was going to test whether or not it was the app that was messing up my phone I would just take a short break, but now I really don’t want to put one back on, I kind of like being free… I mean I hit 500+ Saturday night because I decided to eat a shit ton of carbs and just not bolus for them… can’t really tell you why or why not, just didn’t. After the initial victory of having bought groceries, for the first time in ages (I actually have food in my house!! woot woot!) then just crash and burn… or spike and burn, whatever. Add to it that I haven’t really been taking my am meds, which in my head I don’t really need… which I somewhere deep down know isn’t true, I wouldn’t be prescribed them if I weren’t supposed to be taking them… but I don’t want to and the one makes me feel nauseous unless I eat and eating in the morning is annoying. I guess not as annoying as being depressed all the time, but you know… it’s all about perspective. It always blows my mind when things are relatively good and my head is able to make me feel like the world is ending anyway… how is that even a thing… like when it convinces me that I have no friends or that everyone is mad at me.