So I post this last night — I had been delaying going to bed because I had been dropping (and because I’m a procrastinator and am terrible at going to bed on time) and I finally evened out… I was so grateful to be able to go to sleep not dreading being woken up, or not waking up… but that’s a whole other post… this is about what I realized after I posted the picture… do you see it?
What’s missing from this picture? Hint: It’s not Waldo
Did you guess? There are no alert lines… no high alarm, but worse there’s no low alarm… and I’m going to admit this here… I haven’t turned on either of them yet, even though I realized this last night (before I went to sleep?!)… I can objectively see how absolutely ridiculous this is (just in case you were wondering). So I’m wearing this device, that will save my life and wake me up… and I’ve turned off the alarms… I mean, my dog is good, but she’s not 100%… and this is not shit to mess with… so why I ask myself, if I’m already scared of dying alone in my apt, do I then turn off the thing that is supposed to be there to guard against that very fear? The short answer, I have no fucking idea. The long answer, I resent diabetes. I resent every single micro aspect of it in any and all parts of my life… and at the moment it is manifesting in a not so good way. I’m resolving right now to turn on the alarm… just the low one… and only at 75… bargaining… which stage of loss is that?
so here’s the deal… I feel better when I do the shit that I know I should be doing (go figure)… get enough sleep, wake up at the same time, eat at the same times and on a regular schedule… walk in the am… and like magic my body needs less insulin, I feel better… and then I stop jacking up on caffeine and my anxiety totally levels out… I know it’s rocket science-y level shit. But here’s the thing, sometimes I still don’t do this stuff… I’m getting better. I’ve started a nutrition program through a friend and my sugars have become stable… like stupid ridiculous stable. I’ve upped my protein level, taken gluten out (again)… and I feel so much better, it’s like everything in my body is moving again. I’ve been walking in the morning too… that has made a big difference in the rest of my day, both with my sugars and with my mood, outlook… a lot of the time I walk down to the beach, I am always insight of the water, something to be grateful for — so many things to be grateful for… like being in a grateful mood right now, so next time I’m in a shit mood I can look back at this and remember that shit moods always end.
Yesterday I had to eat a bed time snack… I resent having to eat at night because it doesn’t match up with my health/fitness goals… but I was a bit low (80), too low to go to sleep without an assured dexcom wakeup 2 hours later… so I ate a rice cake with almond butter… and then another one, and then I ate almond butter out of the jar… because I triggered the hunger monster… and because deep down (sometimes not so deep down at all) I am SUPER resentful at Diabetes. Why should I have to eat when I don’t want to — it sucks. This morning I woke up in the 200s, a carb “hangover” if you will…I had two choices, I could say fuck it, skip breakfast like I prefer to, skip my walk because it’s “inconvenient” today, and sit right down to “work”… or I could do what I know works… go for a walk, down a protein shake, and start over today, at that moment… so that’s what I did… 12-ish hours later I’m back in the 140s and dropping down a bit… still fighting the fishtail effect from being so high… I should test and eat… so I think I will. I’m choosing me, my health, and trying to get out of my own way in the process. Life is good, the guidance is there… now I just have to put one foot in front of the other… xo