life with type 1 diabetes

Tag: Fuck This

Performance Anxiety? Or something more?

I was so excited when the last of my xDrip build kit arrived, I ripped open the box… and then the box sat there. next to my couch. for over a week. Am I nervous I won’t be able to build the xDrip? Sort of, but there’s more. Continuing the theme of resentment, I just don’t want to need anything to stay alive. I want to be able to be a cave man and live in the woods and eat squirrels… okay, so I said “want to be able to” not “want to,” but seriously, it freaks me out that if all infrastructure went to shit that I couldn’t survive in the wild… I would die, I’m who Darwin decided wouldn’t get to come along with the rest of the class. Fuck Diabetes. I guess I’m back to being angry again… so much for bargaining. Sometimes the grief process feels more like a merry-go-round than anything else… except I’m yet to figure out how to get off. I’m so tired of being diabetic. even just typing that, I thought to myself, “am I really?” — and then that logical side of my brain says “really?! did you just think that?! are you an idiot?” I wish this would just go away. Thinking about all of this hurts. I found┬áMy Diabetes Secret () yesterday… an anonymous Tumblr for diabetes feelings… talk about a baseball bat to the stomach, the idea is amazing, what I felt when I really let myself feel instead of managing symptoms or explaining myself to others, was not amazing. It was horrible. I had no idea I was still so upset, and scared, and mad, and all of the feelings. which brings me back to the box next to my couch… I can build the xDrip, I can choose to not build the xDrip, I will still have diabetes. I might as well have fun… here goes nothing… keep your fingers crossed for me…

Did you catch it?

So I post this last night — I had been delaying going to bed because I had been dropping (and because I’m a procrastinator and am terrible at going to bed on time) and I finally evened out… I was so grateful to be able to go to sleep not dreading being woken up, or not waking up… but that’s a whole other post… this is about what I realized after I posted the picture… do you see it?

What's missing from this picture? Hint: It's not Waldo

What’s missing from this picture? Hint: It’s not Waldo

Did you guess? There are no alert lines… no high alarm, but worse there’s no low alarm… and I’m going to admit this here… I haven’t turned on either of them yet, even though I realized this last night (before I went to sleep?!)… I can objectively see how absolutely ridiculous this is (just in case you were wondering). So I’m wearing this device, that will save my life and wake me up… and I’ve turned off the alarms… I mean, my dog is good, but she’s not 100%… and this is not shit to mess with… so why I ask myself, if I’m already scared of dying alone in my apt, do I then turn off the thing that is supposed to be there to guard against that very fear? The short answer, I have no fucking idea. The long answer, I resent diabetes. I resent every single micro aspect of it in any and all parts of my life… and at the moment it is manifesting in a not so good way. I’m resolving right now to turn on the alarm… just the low one… and only at 75… bargaining… which stage of loss is that?