do you ever have one of those days? I feel like normal people have “those days” — I’m just stuck with this absolutely absurd rollercoaster of feelings that may or may not make any fucking sense at any given point in time, and I’m just supposed to roll with it. It’s cool, this is just the way I am. fuck that. I’m done. And you know what else? before diabetes I would have gone to the beach and run this off… but will I do that tonight? nope. because that would require turning down my insulin, eating something, being responsible… all things I don’t feel like doing. I just want to be able to walk out my door and run until I don’t feel any more. I don’t think that’s much to ask of the universe. why me? why am I still asking that question? It feels so warranted and so over dramatic at the same time. I have so many things to deal with, and then so many things for which to be thankful… like the education that made me reword that last phrase so it didn’t end in a preposition. and my dog. and my sister. and my relative health. fuck relative health. and fuck boundary tromping doctors. this life takes so much fucking effort. my head hasn’t been to that dark place recently, but when you’re feeling apathetic about everything it’s more of a “so if there’s nothing else…” rather than wanting to walk away or escape, the way it was before. (well there went that preposition thing). everytime I think that pain is gone, it comes back. I can hear the voices of people who don’t understand… you’re fine. you’re being a bit dramatic, don’t you think? have you talked to your doctor about this? — fine, all of those are valid statements, but it still leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood, or ignored — just because you don’t see the reasons behind my feelings, or even if I don’t see any reason, doesn’t make them any less valid than your thoughts about them. when does this end? Am I going to be this emotionally unstable for the rest of my life? is this emotionally unstable? does emotionally stable exist? or is that just ignorance? or the decision not to feel? or not to acknowledge feeling? or the existence of feelings? I should try that. Oh wait, I did. It was terrible. But more terrible than this? maybe… maybe not. I guess I could go back to trying that. I can hear the collective voices of my therapist, sponsor, psychiatrist, and sober friends… “Are you sure about that?” — so fine, maybe that’s a terrible idea. so where does that leave me. still here. fml.