I was having trouble concentrating today, after hours of fighting to stay concentrated, then falling into tv, fading into over thinking, and then all of a sudden I knew I was on an edge, not a relapse edge, but an edge all the same — I text a sober friend, and another friend, and my sponsor… anyway, the result of all this reaching out for help (the thought of which still makes me cringe) was a conversation with my sponsor which made me feel a lot better — she said to me that in speaking with her that I had “dropped the rock.” I’m not sure if this is what she meant by that, but what came to mind for me was running underwater and needing to drop the rock in order to surface for air… this was by far the coolest picture I was able to find of this… I see myself as the swimmer on the left. This is where I stop trying to separate parts of my life — I am emotionally upset, I still check my blood sugar, I don’t assume it’s one thing or the other, I just have to treat the whole Sophie, as a whole, in whatever manner is required at that moment. And at this moment while I need to change my pod, and do a bunch of other things I’m sure… all I can think about is how violated I felt when my doctor took my PDM away and made changes to it without explaining or including me in the decisions. I accept that my reaction to this is my own, but it does not make it any less valid. It’s been over a week and I can still feel that empty exposed feeling of sitting in that doctor’s office being told off, and then they didn’t even know how to make the changes properly and had to then hand my PDM off to yet another person to adjust/correct/fix whatever it was they were doing. I don’t even remember what she was saying or what they did. All I know is that it doesn’t seem to have done much, the best thing that has happened for my diabetes since then has been going back to crossfit — while a bit scary, it seemed to have a great effect on my numbers for the rest of the day — I will need to remember to eat more, but my post-workout numbers were encouraging. Ending on a high note… planning on working out again tomorrow… TBD
Yesterday was a BIG day.
It was the first real Crossfit class I’ve been to since I started back working out. And it was my first real workout with the Dexcom. It went really well. It was hard. I’m sore today (which means I’m going to be really sore tomorrow). I didn’t crash, I dropped 80 mg/dL in an hour, but I walked out of there at around 90 mg/dL without having to stop in the middle of my workout. I sipped a gatorade/water mix the whole time and had my monitor somewhere where I could see/hear it most of the time. I also battled my ever present “not a part of” feeling — that thought that everyone in the group didn’t like me and no one wanted to be my friend… I’m so awkward (or at least I feel really awkward), in new situations. I am committing to myself and now to the internet universe that I am going to do something active three days per week. I want to do crossfit M/W/F each week, but I will accept any type of exercise to meet this goal. Also, after ten crossfit sessions, I will buy myself new shoes as a prize. #timidlyhopeful #cautiouslyoptimistic
I’m still working through potential diet plans and workout strategies to support staying active… recap of my findings to be posted soon. Special thanks to @t1dactiveliving for her help finding information.
Someone who has done this before might have some useful information. Go figure. Well, I listened and it actually worked. The day before yesterday I went to work out and I took a gatorade/water to sip throughout the workout and I was able to keep up through the whole hour, with no lows, only stopping to test once, and taking quick breaks to drink the gatorade/water — I actually finished my workout higher than I started (but still within range).
I’m excited because this was the first time I have been able to really push through a workout without hitting a “diabetes wall.” It was good, but also scary – in that, once again, I’m the only thing holding me back kind of way… good, but scary.
I will be excited to get the CGM for this — for crossfit taking a testing break out of my times should shave 30-45 seconds off of my overall workout times… as a competitive, type A person, that means a lot. #cautiouslyoptimistic
I woke up at 160. I made coffee, ate something, and went to work out. I made it through my workout with a half-way test of 183. Post-workout I’ve come in at 243. Not great, but I’m going to address it. I’m not going to panic and freak out, I’m going to do my best and monitor my progress. I’m going to the doctor later today and I will clearly explain what my experience has been and where I think I need help. I will listen to her advice and try my best to heed her direction. I will not beat myself up or hold myself to the overachiever’s standard of perfection. I say all of this, knowing that I will not be able to do any of it perfectly, but knowing that I am going to try my best to take care of myself physically and emotionally.
So, in summary, today is going to be better, because I say so.
I wake up a bit low — drink some juice real fast because I was going to work out… had a decent workout, ending at 139 mg/dL, great, I eat breakfast, give insulin accordingly and then 3 hours later I’m at 58… actually felt like I might pass out… great. thanks diabetes. #not. after a crap load of peppermints (I’m at the office, reminder to self: plan better for lows when not at home), I’m back up to 139… great. Now it’s lunch time… now what? Set up for another crash? Just go high and try to fight the mental fog? this sucks. I’m sorry I can’t be more positive about this, I feel like I should be making more progress, but I’m just angry and frustrated and slightly dizzy. #badday