Dear Diabetes, you suck.

a web developer who also happens to have type 1 diabetes

Tag: ThrivingNotSurviving

A shitty doctor’s appointment… as expected

my numbers have been shit, I know this, also I was traveling which rained crap all over my routine… nevertheless I am determined to keep the travel in my routine, so I’m adjusting my diabetes around my life and not the other way around. That being said… my numbers really were shit and I did really say “fuck it” a couple times… I mean I was 300+ or under 70 pretty much the whole time I was in NYC, in Denver I mistook a sugar drop as altitude adjustment and very nearly passed out (40)… there were some learning opportunities… on the whole it was an amazing trip, a testament to the fact that I can be away if and when I need to be… that it’s okay to ask for help, and there are creative solutions for when living on my own is sub-optimal, other than hiring a nanny for myself… go me! But really my numbers are shit, so I’m getting back on that now… back to paleo light… and “remember to eat” alarms, if that’s what it takes, then there it is… today is a positive day, there was a lot of swearing about this yesterday, my lap time to sanity is getting shorter — big improvement, xo

What to do when your body betrays you.

YouCantSitWithUs

Do you ever feel like this is what your body is saying to you?

I haven’t figured this out yet, but I’m trying. Sometimes I’m really depressed and emotional about this and then other times I’m completely well adjusted about it and am looking to make a plan to move forward. I’m not sure how to keep myself on track or even if I want to. I know I want to feel better, I know from an aesthetics point of view I’d like to drop some weight, lower my body fat %, but really I just want to feel better. I want to have the energy I feel like I am supposed to have (there’s that pesky “supposed to” again…). Everything seems to set me back — the last couple days I’ve been sleeping 8-9 hours and waking up still exhausted. I’m trying to listen to my body, I listen and then I yell at it for not cooperating and doing what I need it to do. I need to meet myself where I’m at… so many things that I know logically, that I need to apply emotionally. I suppose that is the dilemma… now what?! fuck you diabetes. and the rest of the shit too. it feels like everytime I think I might have a handle on things, something else goes wrong… when is this shit supposed to get easier. ugh. I just have to remember to enjoy the time in between these times. the sunset — everyday, over the water — being able to get to the beach any time I want… people vacation where I live for god’s sake. yes. positive. I’m going to end on that. xo

It’s here.

It’s here… I don’t know how I feel about it. actually, that is exactly how I feel about it.Screen Shot 2014-07-27 at 8.57.57 PM

 

Now I just need to answer the email from the omnipod rep… one step at a time. And open the box… so I didn’t send the email… but I did open the box…

image (2)Clockwise: the open box, the things in the box, the things out of the box, the things piled up on the corner of my dresser where they will probably stay for awhile…

I am not a stranger to denial — I have even specifically faced device denial before… this is going to make my life better. wooo sah. wooo saah. woo sahhhh.

 

Walking on Fire

fire-walkI thought my feet were just dry… I should remember to put lotion on them. I did, it didn’t change. I found myself taking off my flip flops when sitting down and putting the bottoms of my feet on the cool floor, soon the patch of floor under each foot was warm too, so I would move them around… I had never done this before. I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining this. I’m pretty sure it’s diabetes related. I’m pretty sure there’s a name for this. I’m going to pretend it’s not real. that worked for a few days. I think I know what it is, but I’m not going to google it, because maybe it will still go away. It’s not going away. I think it’s neuropathy. What does this mean? Is this what my feet are going to feel like forever? What if they get worse? that happens, right? I thought I was years away from “complications” what the fuck is this?! I’m back in half denial about even having diabetes and it feels like my feet are going to burn off any second. Steady numbers, minimal insulin, and burning feet? WTF. I just don’t understand what I did to deserve this. Why did this happen? the burning feet, the diabetes, the bipolar, the alcoholism… how shitty was I in a former life that I get to deal with all of this? Why can’t I just be normal?!

Or how strong must I be to be able to overcome these things? That is a question one of my good friends would ask me. I would grimace at her and tell her that she’s full of shit. Here’s to hoping she’s right.

Celebrate Everything

So I just googled "Celebrate Everything" and apparently it's a thing... I had no idea, but I love it.

So I just googled “Celebrate Everything” and apparently it’s a thing… I had no idea, but I love it.

Recently, friend quoted me back to myself, she said that I told her to “celebrate everything,” that everything could be a victory if you wanted it to be… her words coming back to me were inspiring, even more so because she was able to help me with the same words with which I was able to help her. Amazing shit. Those words continue to help me. Fine, I snoozed my dexcom and didn’t have a juice box the first time I heard it, but I got up when it went off the second time — that is something to celebrate. I may not be scoring 100%, but I DON’T NEED TO BE PERFECT — I should really write that about 20, mmmmaybe 2000 times, then maybe it will sink into my head. I need to learn to accept my best as my best and not set the bar so high that I feel like a failure everyday, with anything and everything… not just diabetes. I am an imperfect person. Sometimes I feel like that statement is a surprise to me, or a statement of failure, like everyone else has their shit together and I’m the only one struggling — with everything. Let’s face it, pretty much everyday is a fucking struggle.

I have been using the my Sugr app (very cool) to track my sugars and insulin, I’ve not been perfect about entering my numbers, but the reason I’m telling you this is because at the bottom of the screen where you enter your BG, Carbs, Insulin, etc. there are different icons to indicate which meal it is, how you’re feeling, what you’re doing… this has forced me to think about how I’m feeling several times in a single day, rather than ignoring it for weeks… pretty much every entry I would select the “stressed” emoji, to the point where it made me question, “Am I really stressed out all the time?” — the honest answer is yes. I feel like there is something oscillating in my core at all times… it’s been that way for so long it’s my normal. I don’t think that’s good. I’m going to try to change that. If fear and faith cannot coexist, then I just need to have faith that I am going to be okay. This is advice that is easy for me to give, but very hard for me to live. So this time I’m going to take my own advice and celebrate everything. Look for it on Instagram @sophiethacher — I’m going to try to post a #CelebrateEverything everyday…

Type 1 Diabetes, you suck. I thought you were just for kids?!

IMG_2499I have taken the next step to find “my people.” I have created an open facebook group for Type 1 diabetics diagnosed as adults in their 20s-30s, this is not meant to be discriminatory against any other members of the t1d community, but to help share experience and hope across a group with a similar life obstacle. If this applies to you, I hope you check it out and join/participate as it feels right for you.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/141485189355008/

Gatorade, Water, and taking advice

Someone who has done this before might have some useful information. Go figure. Well, I listened and it actually worked. The day before yesterday I went to work out and I took a gatorade/water to sip throughout the workout and I was able to keep up through the whole hour, with no lows, only stopping to test once, and taking quick breaks to drink the gatorade/water — I actually finished my workout higher than I started (but still within range).

I’m excited because this was the first time I have been able to really push through a workout without hitting a “diabetes wall.” It was good, but also scary – in that, once again, I’m the only thing holding me back kind of way… good, but scary.

I will be excited to get the CGM for this — for crossfit taking a testing break out of my times should shave 30-45 seconds off of my overall workout times… as a competitive, type A person, that means a lot. #cautiouslyoptimistic

Dear Diabetes, I’m wearing blue today.

I’m wearing blue today to do my part to help bring attention to World Diabetes Day, and to advocate and bring awareness for diabetes and the people living with it.

Check out the Facebook page for Blue Fridays — this is sponsored by the Diabetes Community Advocacy Foundation (DCAF), a pretty neat foundation I stumbled upon whose mission is to connect, support and educate people living with diabetes by encouraging open and meaningful discussion of current issues impacting diabetes care through the use of social media and other platforms. #verycool

Accountability and UK NHS Diabetes Resources

In the interest of holding myself accountable to learn more about my disease (I hate phrasing it like that, but I guess that really is what it is), I am committing, here, to the internet, that I will post here with some sort of information, once per week — please feel free to yell at me in person, or via the internet, if I do not deliver on this. That being said, below is this week’s informational discovery…

Having been born in London and therefore having knowledge of the National Health Service (NHS), I thought I would check out the NHS website to see if they might have better centralized information for Type 1 Diabetes — and my hunch was right. They have a great simple overview with well linked material for symptoms, causes, treatments, and complications (found here: NHS Type 1 Overview). Additionally, there is a link to Diabetes UK, which I found immensely more useful than the general US websites, which seem to be more focused on Type 2 diabetics.

I’m going to continue to review and digest this information — I am much more hopeful today, feeling that I have solid information to review. I was very frustrated feeling like I I do not like feeling that I am fully dependent on my doctor to tell me everything in a short appointment every few months — I want to feel like I am participating in making a plan that will support my being able to live my life to the fullest and support whatever activities I choose to pursue.

An Explanation of the Frustration

On October 4, 2013 I went to urgent care during my lunch break because I thought I had a yeast infection…and I did, but I also had/have Type 1 Diabetes. I was 25 at the time, who gets diagnosed with Type 1 at 25, well me apparently, although to be fair, based on research I have done since, it’s not as rare as I previously thought, but seriously #solame.

So, one long stupid medical story later, I walk out of there with a diagnosis of diabetes (not yet confirmed as type 1 at this point), with a blood glucose meter, a bunch of prescriptions to pick up, and lab tests to be taken and an absolute bewilderment and denial.

So let’s make this more complicated, within the year prior to being diagnosed with diabetes I made peace with being gay, started the journey of living sober and I was diagnosed as BiPolar — so I had spent most of the previous year wrapping my head around those things, no where in my reality did I believe that I had the capacity to handle anything else, let alone anything else as life changing as diabetes. 

That survival/denial mode lasted for a bit, I went back to the doctor a few times, confirmed a Type 1 diagnosis, started on insulin, but over my first few months I became dissatisfied with the #JustDontDie type of care and sought out a more proactive doctor — this is where I’m at right now.

The moral of this story is that I’m learning to live with all of this. As cliche as it may sound, my goal is to thrive, rather than just survive. The guidance, advice and information I have received/been able to find so far does not adequately address thriving…only getting by, advice I am classifying as #JustDontdie, I am not interested in this type of advice. I want to learn the nitty gritty detailed information to help me thrive, not just survive each day.

I am an engineer by trade, sometimes painfully logical… like Star Trek Spock logical. I want all the details, all of the data, I will then process that data and determine the variables and the path that will lead me to the desired solution, the conclusion that I want — which in this case is to be a healthy happy person, in spite of everything else, any challenges, conditions, problems that I may incur.

So that’s where I’m at — I have started this blog as an outlet for my frustration, a chronicle of this journey, and to hold myself accountable for proactively seeking out information and resources that will support my goal of thriving as a healthy and happy person — and to put this information and my journey out into the universe with the hope of helping others, even if it’s only one other person, with their journey.

**Any entries pre-dating this one have been added to help give a full chronicle of my journey, give additional information and sometimes clearer context to future posts, and to help me process what has come before this point**

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