I’ve been delaying finishing this post — I think it’s because I’m in “Low-Denial,” or at least I’m in denial as to how bad my lows have been getting.
I made this graphic after I hit 24 in the middle of the day last week, it was bad, but also a little funny because I was so out of it I ate half a bag on mini doughnuts, which in hindsight is still funny, even despite the ridiculous high that followed… Then I hit 24 again the other night, right as I was getting ready for bed. Thank god I wasn’t asleep already. It was more than scary, it was terrifying. I could not eat fast enough and then my meter kept reading “LOW.” Twenty minutes later, it’s still reading “LOW” — then I really start freaking out… “do I call a friend? no, I’m not waking anyone up at 1am… do I call 911? No, this isn’t a real emergency…is it? No. but is it? probably not. Am I going to die? If not tonight, is this how I’m going to go? What will happen if I die here, by myself? I don’t want to die. Sophie, you’re not dying, drink some god damn sprite.”
I did not die, as I am writing to you now, but I did get the pants scared off of me. Not scared enough to convince me that I need a pump, but scared enough to begrudgingly agree when my doctor brought it up, yet again, during my most recent appointment… more on that later.
If shakespeare were diabetic that is what he would ask. I am so confused. When making a decision about whether or not to eat, I find myself consulting my CGM instead of asking myself if I’m hungry. This ends up with late afternoons where I have had just a small breakfast… why do I feel faint? why do I have a headache? why can I not concentrate well? …ummm…. maybe because a kid yogurt and a waffle are not enough to power my brain and body all day. Yeah, maybe that’s it. What’s that you say? I’m low at noon? I have a solution… let’s eat a whole chipotle burrito bowl and some chips and not take any insulin… let’s definitely not treat the low and then wait to normalize and then dose appropriately for the food I’m eating… no, let’s not do that, let’s just eat the whole burrito and then deal with it later. #fantasticplan #not
I’m really having trouble with food lately and it bugs me because I was never that way. I’ve had the occasional “I’m so fat” thoughts, but no more than anyone who lives in a beach city in CA… you would second guess yourself too if you lived in the land of models and beach volleyball players, it’s like a parallel universe… I digress. How for someone so responsible in nearly every aspect of my life, meticulously taking statistics and experimenting with behavioral change to improve my life and habits in other realms of my life — can I mess up/ignore the part of my life that actually comes with built in numbers, statistics and tracking? Maybe I’m tapped out. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m still angry. Maybe I’m defiant. I think it’s probably a little of all of those. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to motivate myself around taking care of my diabetes… I snooze my CGM like it’s an alarm clock, even though I know (when thinking rationally) that it is an important tool, there to keep me safe, not just be another irritating beeping device in the over populated world of smart devices. But I guess there is the most important contingency, “when thinking rationally.” Not only can I not claim that on a regular basis on my own, add in diabetes, and BiPolar and it’s a rare day that I’m rational all on my own… more days I can talk to myself and come to a rational conclusion, but there are a significant number of days where my sanity could definitely be questioned, let alone my ability to think rationally. So I guess this post ends the way most of my posts have been ending recently… help.
Yesterday was a BIG day.
It was the first real Crossfit class I’ve been to since I started back working out. And it was my first real workout with the Dexcom. It went really well. It was hard. I’m sore today (which means I’m going to be really sore tomorrow). I didn’t crash, I dropped 80 mg/dL in an hour, but I walked out of there at around 90 mg/dL without having to stop in the middle of my workout. I sipped a gatorade/water mix the whole time and had my monitor somewhere where I could see/hear it most of the time. I also battled my ever present “not a part of” feeling — that thought that everyone in the group didn’t like me and no one wanted to be my friend… I’m so awkward (or at least I feel really awkward), in new situations. I am committing to myself and now to the internet universe that I am going to do something active three days per week. I want to do crossfit M/W/F each week, but I will accept any type of exercise to meet this goal. Also, after ten crossfit sessions, I will buy myself new shoes as a prize. #timidlyhopeful #cautiouslyoptimistic
I’m still working through potential diet plans and workout strategies to support staying active… recap of my findings to be posted soon. Special thanks to @t1dactiveliving for her help finding information.
Ummm… so I just watched a bunch of the Dexcom G4 tutorial videos… I’m not so sure about this… It really looks like a medical device. I don’t know what I expected, but it was not this. I don’t want to look like I’m just out of the hospital all the time… ugh. I know it’s going to help, but seriously. the information part sounds great, carrying around something else, not so much, having that thing attached to me, also not so much… ugg. The video showing you how to attach the sensor… not cool. all of this is not cool. and scary. but also I need this — my dog can’t call 911. I need to not be waking up (by the grace of god) at 38… I need to know well before that so I can do something about it. This is going to help me do that. I just need to remember that… and avoid watching those videos before I actually need to…
It’s hard to be mad about anything with Southern California weather. However, today sucks. I’m still reeling from the break up, my numbers have been off (not terrible, but just unstable enough to be really annoying). I’m having to babysit my doctor and the dexcom rep to figure out how to get my approvals through. Switching insurance is a bitch. Don’t do it. Just keep the job you don’t like, it’s totally worth it not to have to deal with all of this. Okay, maybe not, but this sucks. So much paperwork, it’s like another job… I should start putting this shit on my resume… “master insurance paperwork filer – level diabetes”
Then there’s the whole… just hang on until I get the CGM, then everything will be okay/get better. Except now I’m starting to think that I’m putting too much faith in the CGM making a difference and then it’s going to come and it’s not going to fix anything and I’m going to be disappointed and frustrated all over again.
I really just want to take a nap. from life.
I just took my blood sugar. this shit makes no sense. forget the nap. I want to take a coma from life. it is very unfortunate that I’m sober because I could really use something to take the edge off and help me zone out, away from all this badness. Fuck this. Fuck Diabetes. Fuck Life. I’m so fucking tired right now, but I’m at 89… what the fuck, how does that make any sense. It feels like my brain is shutting down, maybe my brain is quitting like my pancreas did… 6 months ago I couldn’t have told you what a pancreas did… I miss that. I want the before back. Wow, I’m way more upset than I realized. This shit sucks. I know it’s only temporary, but it’s terrible.
I’m going to take a nap.