Dear Diabetes, you suck.

a front end developer who also happens to have type 1 diabetes

Tag: One Day at a Time (page 1 of 4)

Did you catch it?

So I post this last night — I had been delaying going to bed because I had been dropping (and because I’m a procrastinator and am terrible at going to bed on time) and I finally evened out… I was so grateful to be able to go to sleep not dreading being woken up, or not waking up… but that’s a whole other post… this is about what I realized after I posted the picture… do you see it?

What's missing from this picture? Hint: It's not Waldo

What’s missing from this picture? Hint: It’s not Waldo

Did you guess? There are no alert lines… no high alarm, but worse there’s no low alarm… and I’m going to admit this here… I haven’t turned on either of them yet, even though I realized this last night (before I went to sleep?!)… I can objectively see how absolutely ridiculous this is (just in case you were wondering). So I’m wearing this device, that will save my life and wake me up… and I’ve turned off the alarms… I mean, my dog is good, but she’s not 100%… and this is not shit to mess with… so why I ask myself, if I’m already scared of dying alone in my apt, do I then turn off the thing that is supposed to be there to guard against that very fear? The short answer, I have no fucking idea. The long answer, I resent diabetes. I resent every single micro aspect of it in any and all parts of my life… and at the moment it is manifesting in a not so good way. I’m resolving right now to turn on the alarm… just the low one… and only at 75… bargaining… which stage of loss is that?

back on the horse… a new horse

so here’s the deal… I feel better when I do the shit that I know I should be doing (go figure)… get enough sleep, wake up at the same time, eat at the same times and on a regular schedule… walk in the am… and like magic my body needs less insulin, I feel better… and then I stop jacking up on caffeine and my anxiety totally levels out… I know it’s rocket science-y level shit. But here’s the thing, sometimes I still don’t do this stuff… I’m getting better. I’ve started a nutrition program through a friend and my sugars have become stable… like stupid ridiculous stable. I’ve upped my protein level, taken gluten out (again)… and I feel so much better, it’s like everything in my body is moving again. I’ve been walking in the morning too… that has made a big difference in the rest of my day, both with my sugars and with my mood, outlook… a lot of the time I walk down to the beach, I am always insight of the water, something to be grateful for — so many things to be grateful for… like being in a grateful mood right now, so next time I’m in a shit mood I can look back at this and remember that shit moods always end.

Yesterday I had to eat a bed time snack… I resent having to eat at night because it doesn’t match up with my health/fitness goals… but I was a bit low (80), too low to go to sleep without an assured dexcom wakeup 2 hours later… so I ate a rice cake with almond butter… and then another one, and then I ate almond butter out of the jar… because I triggered the hunger monster… and because deep down (sometimes not so deep down at all) I am SUPER resentful at Diabetes. Why should I have to eat when I don’t want to — it sucks. This morning I woke up in the 200s, a carb “hangover” if you will…I had two choices, I could say fuck it, skip breakfast like I prefer to, skip my walk because it’s “inconvenient” today, and sit right down to “work”… or I could do what I know works… go for a walk, down a protein shake, and start over today, at that moment… so that’s what I did… 12-ish hours later I’m back in the 140s and dropping down a bit… still fighting the fishtail effect from being so high… I should test and eat… so I think I will. I’m choosing me, my health, and trying to get out of my own way in the process. Life is good, the guidance is there… now I just have to put one foot in front of the other… xo

vacation disobedience

FailI start everyday with the best of intentions… and then there are some biscuits, and a few crisps, and I just don’t feel like checking my blood sugar… and then that happens again, and again. I would say “oops” — but let’s be real, no one is making me eat these things, I make a choice each time I eat something, both about what I’m eating and about whether or not I check my bg and/or give insulin for it… in the back of my mind I know that if I give insulin for the amount I’m eating I’m going to rise and then crash, big time… probably over night… and who really wants to be woken up by their CGM, not me. 1) I’ll probably ignore it anyway, I know that’s dangerous, and I’d rather not die  — 2) I’d rather sleep in and not be bothered — 3) It’s annoying and I resent the whole thing

So there it is… all in all a very mature reaction /not. and to be honest I really have no inclination to change. I know I’ll have to/will get back on track when I’m home, but I’m also aware that each moment/hour/day I spend high it damaging my body — I know that that might seem extreme, but I treasure my health and I don’t want to deal with the potential long term consequences that are brought on with this type of behaviour.

Ugh. I know better, and I’m doing the opposite anyway. I woke up today feeling like shit, a mild headache and terrible nausea, it felt like a hangover, despite the fact that I haven’t had a drink in almost two years now. And how did I address this nausea… a giant cookie #fail / #win … even my reaction to that statement is telling of my current mindset. I love being here, I’ve been away almost two weeks now, visiting friends and family in the UK, but if I’m going to survive my trip — and be able to establish a behaviour standard for future trips away, I need to get this shit under control.

I know how to defeat this, I need to make the healthy choice the easy choice, drink enough water, get rid of the junk food, just don’t buy it in the first place — look at my CGM record, take in my reality and fast-forward to think about what will happen if I keep up this behaviour.

Dear god (or whatever is out there), please help. Thanks.

Love, Sophie

What to do when your body betrays you.

YouCantSitWithUs

Do you ever feel like this is what your body is saying to you?

I haven’t figured this out yet, but I’m trying. Sometimes I’m really depressed and emotional about this and then other times I’m completely well adjusted about it and am looking to make a plan to move forward. I’m not sure how to keep myself on track or even if I want to. I know I want to feel better, I know from an aesthetics point of view I’d like to drop some weight, lower my body fat %, but really I just want to feel better. I want to have the energy I feel like I am supposed to have (there’s that pesky “supposed to” again…). Everything seems to set me back — the last couple days I’ve been sleeping 8-9 hours and waking up still exhausted. I’m trying to listen to my body, I listen and then I yell at it for not cooperating and doing what I need it to do. I need to meet myself where I’m at… so many things that I know logically, that I need to apply emotionally. I suppose that is the dilemma… now what?! fuck you diabetes. and the rest of the shit too. it feels like everytime I think I might have a handle on things, something else goes wrong… when is this shit supposed to get easier. ugh. I just have to remember to enjoy the time in between these times. the sunset — everyday, over the water — being able to get to the beach any time I want… people vacation where I live for god’s sake. yes. positive. I’m going to end on that. xo

my reality

I had a surreal feeling this morning, walking through my apt — I heard the tick of my insulin pump, and for the first time I can remember I had no feelings about it. I noticed the sound, registered it and then kept going. It was a few minutes later that I realized what had happened. that diabetes had become a passive part of my life. my life is my cover photo. in the midst of the rest of my life, regardless as to how I feel about it, there is the constant of diabetes.

Phantom Sensors

PoofMoving the omnipod around has had an odd side effect. I am rightly sensitive/protective of my “equipment” … still haven’t found the right word. If either my dexcom or omnipod are pulled/ripped off or dislodged in any way, or even jostled out of place in the wrong way, they will not work — this is not only unsafe for me, as I wear them for a reason, but it’s also expensive if I have to replace the sensors more than prescribed. then there’s also the matter of just feeling the “equipment” on my body. when I roll over in bed. when I put my hand in my pocket because I think my keys are in there, and it turns out it’s my sensor. I catch it on something or I can just feel it when sitting in a chair, or leaning against something — needing to make sure that the way I’m leaning isn’t pulling it away from my body… here’s the thing though… I’m now feeling my sensor in places that they’re not… more than once now, I’ve been sitting and reached back check that my omnipod is okay — and it’s on my arm. I twist one way to grab something and then check that my dexcom is okay… it’s on the other side. Now, not only am I avoid/protecting my “equipment” but I’m also avoid/protecting anywhere I place equipment all the time, whether or not there is any “equipment” there. fuck this. where can I opt out. I’m so done. I hate that this is changing my behavior. I hate that I am having to change my behavior for this disease. or that this disease is forcing changes in my life. or that I have to make changes in my behavior for this device. this is all chicken and the egg bullshit. I’m just mad. fuck diabetes.

Emotional Robot

bender

bonus points if you know where this specific robot s from…

Lately I feel like I have the emotional capacity of a robot. It’s easier to just block everything out… so far it’s been one of those weeks where I’m not even sure my dog loves me… it’s ridiculous. I know objectively that that is not true, just as I objectively know that I have feelings, but it doesn’t feel that way. It feels like a giant ice cube has formed around my heart… radiating cold out to the rest of my body… pulling rank and keeping every sense, every cell in line… with the explicit order not to feel anything. I can’t even let go when I’m on my own. it’s like I’m even hiding from myself. I can feel the heat rise in my chest, behind my eyes, but even if I think about allowing myself to express it, my body suppresses it like an automatic reflex.

the only time I seem to be able to express anything is when my sugars are really out of whack because I seem to lose control a bit… that’s when I want to write, that’s when I feel awake… so  do I only have feelings when they are triggered by my blood sugar? If so, that’s not good, on so many levels. Not feeling is a problem. High sugars are a problem. Feeling because of high sugars… not good. a recipe for misbehaviour and disaster.

I just wish everything was okay. Or that I could be sure of it. I just want everything to be okay. to be normal. I know… there’s nothing and no one that is “normal,” but seriously, I am so beyond the range of any concept of the “normal” range — I am absolutely dependent on medication to keep me alive, I have two remotes that control chemicals in my body, in addition to prescriptions and an emotional program for living… fuck that. fuck all of it. I hate my remotes, and I hate that as soon as I’ve gotten used to an omnipod placement I have to move it again… and the scarring from these is not going to be good — way worse than the dexcom, I don’t know if it’s because the cannula is larger, but I can tell when I take them off that the injection site is going to take longer to heal that the dexcom ones do… great… now I can just wait on breaking technology (and the FDA) while getting scarred up all over. Great. fucking fabulous. I’m just so fucking mad at all of this… and this is what happens when I let it out, so in order to move through the day to day I have to just swallow it down and keep it all in. Everything related to any feeling, good or bad, has to stay frozen because I can’t handle the feelings at the top of the list. I know how to fake the funk, how to work a room… if I need to share “feelings” for whatever reason, I keep it light, “my family is crazy, I deal with it by sending them pictures of my dog”… small talk about work and whatever I’m watching on Netflix and Discovery channel…  that’s the stuff I can say, the shallow stuff… I can’t talk about anything real. One chink to the very thin armour and I’m going to crack. I’m barely holding my shit together. Frozen helps. Right now it’s the only way.

I’ll be available today between 1-2 pm

detour-sign

I am definitely processing my OmniPod experience backwards, maybe because I was so overwhelmed that I wasn’t processing anything for awhile.

I had gone to my doctor and gotten the prescription for the insulin for the pump settings. I emailed the rep to confirm that she had received the settings from my doctor, figuring that I would have a few days, maybe a week to mentally prepare myself, I would watch a few videos, talk to my sponsor about it, make a plan to go to a meeting right before and/or after, and then…

“I am available today between 1-2 pm.  Can we meet then?” That is what the OmniPod rep replied to me… at 4:50am, which of course I didn’t read until 8:30am… which gave me a 4.5 hour window to “prepare myself.” Calling this a major detour would be an understatement. She apologized for the short notice, and said that she’s going to be away on vacation and wanted to set me up before she’s out of the office — I appreciate that. sort of.

…although, I had thought I’d have at least another week of denial…

I started this post before I left to meet her, but in the rush to wrap up work and get out of the house, I had even less time to prepare myself for the impending doom. okay, so I’m being a little dramatic… that’s how it felt.

In hindsight it was just as terrible as I thought it would be. I felt exposed in every way a person can feel exposed. I was on the brink of tears for half of the appointment. I wasn’t really listening to what she was saying, and worst of all, like every other dietitian appointment I have ever had, it was completely useless. I could have answered all those questions just from the literature that I had already read, add in some YouTube videos, and I’ve now more than doubled the useful information that was given in that appointment. If you do your reading your first appointment should be about 15 minutes, do the first insertion and then let me go home. And here’s the best part… I’m supposed to meet her again? For what purpose I asked, “to go over more information” she says… I’ll go because I’m committed to doing all the tactical tasks asked of me by my doctor/this disease, but I won’t like it.

I did not appreciate the bursting of my denial bubble. Especially not when it was with basically wasted time. Having now had time with the omnipod, emotionally I still hate it, tactically it’s working really well.

post-appointment vow of silence

I feel like this picture captures my inner monk -- part vow of silence, part gangster, lol -- Photo by Joel Collins

I feel like this picture captures my inner monk — part vow of silence, part gangster, lol — Photo by Joel Collins

after meeting with the rep I told know one. I saw two people I knew at the place I met the rep, so I was honest with them. I admitted to my parents and my friend I went to eat with that night, but that was it. and I was not going to tell anyone else. posting on this site was the next person I told. I don’t know why. I guess somehow it felt like if I kept it a secret then no one would ask me any questions and then I could pretend that it wasn’t there. I was embarrassed by it, more so than I was by giving shots — I guess because it was new again, or new to me…? I relaxed a bit and started being upfront when asked about diabetes, or about what was going on with me… since that is the thing that most occupies my thoughts these days.

I went to a friend’s birthday party last night and wouldn’t have felt comfortable in a bathing suit around any other group of people, it’s the first time anyone has seen me with both devices beyond a “yes, this is what it is.” I got a few questions, but they were inquisitive and supportive… “I prefer ironman or the bionic woman” being one of my answers. It was a great way to “rip the bandaid” on being open about this next step in my diabetic journey. Not that I need to tell everyone or be an omnipod poster child, but I have found that I feel better in life and in myself when I am open and honest in all aspects of my life. It might be awkward and painful now, but if I’m honest and address it for what it is now, the stress associated with it will diminish and the changes that I need to make become part of my life, quietly, without worry or difficulty. This is my experience with all other changes in my life. I feel rather zen while writing this, but it is true — when I can move into acceptance, or at least address why I am resistant or resentful, I immediately feel better — it is this honest that has helped me get to this point. now if I can keep that going… maybe I will be able to tell Diabetes to “shove it” from a place of honesty and acceptance.. hmmm, that doesn’t seem to totally fit… haha

What’s beeping? Oh wait, it’s me.

When I’m irritated by diabetes related beeping, it is usually my dexcom. make that was. My new least favorite beep is the OmniPod system, both the pod itself, and the PDM (Personal Diabetes Manager…I’l gripe about that name later). Last night I changed out my pod on my own for the first time. It was terrible. In addition to all the expected terrible — hate, denial, resentment, incompetence, I also was extremely annoyed. I was delaying changing the pod because I wanted to know how long I could go with it, and probably under the surface I didn’t want to replace it because I resent the whole thing and was afraid of doing it wrong.

Anyway, I let the pod get to it’s 72 hour/3 day replacement time, and then I let it go through the additional 8 hour buffer period. Through the buffer time both the pod and the PDM beep at you. It took me awhile to realize that it was actually me that was beeping, and that I hadn’t left the dexcom or omnipod receivers behind me (that was a fun two hour game). At the end of the buffer time the PDM screeches until you rip it off, or end it the session with the PDM — if you’re angry and don’t care that it might hurt, you might just rip it off, and it might just be okay anyway. After that lovely musical performance from the omnipod, and a not so delicate removal, I embarked on “installing” the new pod. I’m not sure if “installing” is the word for it, but I’m not sure what else to call it.

OmniPod First Setup

the debris from my first “installation”

So, I look at the pod. I go get some alcohol wipes, skin tac, tac away… and maybe a bit of bravery. I go to YouTube and watch some mom do the “installation” with a 3 year-old… if she can do it, I should be able to handle this. I’m an engineer for god’s sake. a fat load of good that’s done me. I stumbled through the process like a t-Rex in the canned goods aisle of a grocery store. it ended with a bang. it hurt more than I expected, I don’t think I had quite enough fat there. and then I was alone. well still alone, nothing had changed. I’m still bitter about having this stupid pump. not having it so much as needing it. and then life went on.

 

Older posts
%d bloggers like this: