Yeah… this is the text chain between me and a very supportive friend…
Seriously, god bless her… I am making no sense. taking no advice. barely “hearing” anything. also my stomach still feels like shit.
today I had a lunch meeting. when the food arrived, I was engaged in the conversation and didn’t want to pause to give insulin (and/or answer questions) — even though it would just require one finger stick/test, a little carb-googling and entering numbers into the omnipod PDM… now that I write that out, it seems more reasonable to skip it… that’s a lot of hassle. Anyway, so I skipped giving my insulin at lunch, I gave it right after, but still felt the affects of the high, almost decided to go home for a nap instead of working from a coffee shop… I needed outside circumstances to keep me working… coffee shop it is. Anyway, so I’m sitting here, getting a fair amount of work done, when I’m like… I want a cookie… I can’t banish the thought out of my brain, I carb-google it and it’s not so bad, so I go to buy it, turns out what I thought was a cookie was actually a scone… I don’t know the carb count off hand, I know it’s bad, I order it anyway. I walk back to my table, knowing that I am choosing to do something bad, calorie king says 70g… fuck it. I take my blood and enter it all in… and now I’m feeling sleepy again… funny, “I wonder how that happened?” she says sarcastically… fuck me. And I still have work to do… and I can’t stop thinking about things that I can’t have. It’s driving me crazy. it’s like my mind is on a loop. sometimes what I want and what is good for me is not the same thing… or so they tell me, I guess I can always choose to disobey, I’ll try it this way for a bit… one moment at a time.
I’ve been pretty stressed lately, mostly due to some personal drama, but work doesn’t help. At any rate, sometimes my reaction to stress is complete loss of hunger — the other day, I made my breakfast, only to sit down at the table and just stare at it, I choked it down, but I was literally forcing myself to eat because of diabetes, if I didn’t have to worry about my blood sugar I would have skipped it altogether. It wasn’t just breakfast, it’s been a few days now, and I’m just not hungry. It seems when I do get hungry, and eat a normal portion, then I feel sick, and then I don’t want to eat again. I thought I would have bounced back by now. I’m not dropping too much weight, only a few pounds, but after dropping so much weight pre-diagnosis, I am weary of any weight loss.
My relationship with food has morphed into this awful science experiment of carbs, hunger, emotion, sickness, dehydration… sometimes I’m starving, but my blood sugar is stable or high, so I skip a meal. sometimes it’s low, but I don’t feel like eating, so I don’t — the low either goes away on it’s own, or I end up having to treat it with fast-acting sugar (usually a sprite or a juice box). It seems that whatever the problem, my answer is to just not to eat. If I don’t eat at least the situation won’t change — too much. If I eat, I have to do math. And that math may or may not be correct, and there’s no way for me to figure it out. it’s a formula with an unknown variable — and no way to solve for it. in short, I’m fucked. So my answer is “no input = minimal change” — while this is true, it’s not healthy. I know this. but I’m tired of doing math. I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t even want to consider the other implications — ketones, hospitals, exhaustion, mental fog… not to mention the longer term diabetic “complications.” I’m just tired. I’m done. Fuck this.
This year, the name Independence Day is slightly ironic. Since being diagnosed with diabetes, I will never be entirely independent ever again, I will always depend on some blood sugar monitoring. forever. I hate this fact. Diabetes is enough to make me want to abstain from all holidays. Holidays almost always cause a break in my routine. I generally do not know when or what I will be eating with any real certainty. In the case of 4th of July, most of the generally associated foods are not diabetic friendly — BBQ with giant buns, french fries, lots of fruit, popsicles… It’s one of those times where it’s just really inconvenient to be a diabetic. I mean, it’s always inconvenient to be a diabetic, but holidays are especially inconvenient. Try being the only adult who has to say to their friends “I really need to eat, so we need to [leave, figure this out, etc.]” — I know that it’s a disease and I need to eat, and most of my friends are really helpful about it, but I hate having to be “that” person… I am so sick of being “that” person. I just want to hang out with my friends, or eat, or do anything and not have to worry about my blood sugar… I mean I do things without worrying about my blood sugar, but it pretty much always ends badly (too high, over adjust, then too low… then ping pong, then hangover…). Yay Holidays! Fuck Diabetes.
Well, with all that… Happy 4th of July!
If shakespeare were diabetic that is what he would ask. I am so confused. When making a decision about whether or not to eat, I find myself consulting my CGM instead of asking myself if I’m hungry. This ends up with late afternoons where I have had just a small breakfast… why do I feel faint? why do I have a headache? why can I not concentrate well? …ummm…. maybe because a kid yogurt and a waffle are not enough to power my brain and body all day. Yeah, maybe that’s it. What’s that you say? I’m low at noon? I have a solution… let’s eat a whole chipotle burrito bowl and some chips and not take any insulin… let’s definitely not treat the low and then wait to normalize and then dose appropriately for the food I’m eating… no, let’s not do that, let’s just eat the whole burrito and then deal with it later. #fantasticplan #not
I’m really having trouble with food lately and it bugs me because I was never that way. I’ve had the occasional “I’m so fat” thoughts, but no more than anyone who lives in a beach city in CA… you would second guess yourself too if you lived in the land of models and beach volleyball players, it’s like a parallel universe… I digress. How for someone so responsible in nearly every aspect of my life, meticulously taking statistics and experimenting with behavioral change to improve my life and habits in other realms of my life — can I mess up/ignore the part of my life that actually comes with built in numbers, statistics and tracking? Maybe I’m tapped out. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m still angry. Maybe I’m defiant. I think it’s probably a little of all of those. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to motivate myself around taking care of my diabetes… I snooze my CGM like it’s an alarm clock, even though I know (when thinking rationally) that it is an important tool, there to keep me safe, not just be another irritating beeping device in the over populated world of smart devices. But I guess there is the most important contingency, “when thinking rationally.” Not only can I not claim that on a regular basis on my own, add in diabetes, and BiPolar and it’s a rare day that I’m rational all on my own… more days I can talk to myself and come to a rational conclusion, but there are a significant number of days where my sanity could definitely be questioned, let alone my ability to think rationally. So I guess this post ends the way most of my posts have been ending recently… help.
Sitting at my desk. Hungry. Today I’ve had a yogurt, a small sprite (blood sugar), and a packet of powdered doughnuts (sort of blood sugar) — that totals 550 calories. It also makes me that girl that tells you what she’s eaten today. If my blood sugar is at an okay level, do I need to eat? The answer is not yes or no, but another question — are you hungry? Do you need to eat calories? At 4pm today I was uncontrollably falling asleep, even though my blood sugar was fine… I was confused, there was an errant thought that maybe I haven’t eaten enough today, but I am convinced that that’s not it. I am hungry, but my blood sugar is okay, so I won’t eat anything. I’ll wait until my sugar is low enough that I have to emergency eat and then my sugar will spike up and again I won’t want to eat anything, because then I’ll have to give insulin and what if I give the wrong amount and then I crash, or if I don’t give enough and I go too high… the easy option is just not to eat anything unless absolutely necessary. My logical brain knows that this is the wrong choice, an unhealthy choice, but I’m scared and sad and mad and I have a headache. I feel like an idiot. Of course I don’t feel well… I haven’t provided my body with the calories it needs to function (enter excuses: but I’m at a fine/a little over weight or I ate yesterday, I should be okay). Again, my rational brain knows that this is not right, but I do nothing about it. I’ve been thinking about going to get something to eat for the last two hours, while my headache gets worse and I just sit here, whining about it to the internet. Everything I think of isn’t nutritious or wouldn’t be diabetic friendly. I’m so overwhelmed. Part of me doesn’t want to address this, but I know my current path/behavior is not sustainable. I hate change. my head hurts. I’m tired. my throat is dry and I’m stuffy and phlemy from allergies. I’m probably (definitely) dehydrated. Fuck Diabetes. I should probably get something to eat.
Apparently, a person needs about 2000 calories per day… so I’m roughly 1500 off the mark… Chipotle it is… now to convince myself to leave the house…[Update: It took me another 2 hours to go get food… but I made it out of the house and ate. #GoTeamSophie #smallvictories]
I’ve given a lot of thought to food over the last 7 months… it’ll be exactly 7 months since my diagnosis on Sunday… anyway, back to food, as I write this it is well past lunch time, I had only a yogurt for breakfast and I am yet to eat lunch, but my numbers are good, so I don’t want to eat and then throw them off… my body knows I’m hungry, I’m even feeling a bit light headed, but I just can’t bring myself to eat (and mess with my sugars). I’ve been able to be productive today, no fogging out through highs, no shaking through lows… but the trade-off is that I haven’t really eaten either… right now, that seems like a fair trade.
Noticing this trend in my behavior, I became curious if tight food control could become negative… well, it took about 0.4 seconds to think of a very negative possibility (see google search above). Most of the material seemed to be around “diabulimia” and the use of insulin restriction, and indicated that the disease would be used to mask the disorder. In my case, my questioning was more around a disorder developing in an attempt to control the disease. Clearly, I am by no means an expert on any of this, but what I do know is that not eating for any reason is not good for me. I also know, that I am mentally inclined to try to control everything. This is another situation in which I need to stay vigilant and aware of my feelings and actions — this time around food and insulin, in order to stay physically and mentally healthy. Great. Something else to think about.
So I let myself coast into the 60s because I didn’t want to eat anything to make myself go to high (and then get all fogged out), so instead I got really low and slow, and stopped making sense… fantastic alternative. Good job Sophie. Now what?! Sooooo mad. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at Diabetes. I’m mad that other people care about me enough to be frustrated with me for not taking care of myself. I’m so mad at everything. I feel so disconnected, I’m typing these words, and I am angry, but my hands and brain are moving with apathy, almost as if I could just pause and take a nap at any moment. Slowly coming out of the daze that is a low… slowly… maybe a few more minutes of internet trolling until my brain is able to fully click into place… or maybe I’ll just take a nap…