I was having trouble concentrating today, after hours of fighting to stay concentrated, then falling into tv, fading into over thinking, and then all of a sudden I knew I was on an edge, not a relapse edge, but an edge all the same — I text a sober friend, and another friend, and my sponsor… anyway, the result of all this reaching out for help (the thought of which still makes me cringe) was a conversation with my sponsor which made me feel a lot better — she said to me that in speaking with her that I had “dropped the rock.” I’m not sure if this is what she meant by that, but what came to mind for me was running underwater and needing to drop the rock in order to surface for air… this was by far the coolest picture I was able to find of this… I see myself as the swimmer on the left. This is where I stop trying to separate parts of my life — I am emotionally upset, I still check my blood sugar, I don’t assume it’s one thing or the other, I just have to treat the whole Sophie, as a whole, in whatever manner is required at that moment. And at this moment while I need to change my pod, and do a bunch of other things I’m sure… all I can think about is how violated I felt when my doctor took my PDM away and made changes to it without explaining or including me in the decisions. I accept that my reaction to this is my own, but it does not make it any less valid. It’s been over a week and I can still feel that empty exposed feeling of sitting in that doctor’s office being told off, and then they didn’t even know how to make the changes properly and had to then hand my PDM off to yet another person to adjust/correct/fix whatever it was they were doing. I don’t even remember what she was saying or what they did. All I know is that it doesn’t seem to have done much, the best thing that has happened for my diabetes since then has been going back to crossfit — while a bit scary, it seemed to have a great effect on my numbers for the rest of the day — I will need to remember to eat more, but my post-workout numbers were encouraging. Ending on a high note… planning on working out again tomorrow… TBD
Do you ever feel like this is what your body is saying to you?
I haven’t figured this out yet, but I’m trying. Sometimes I’m really depressed and emotional about this and then other times I’m completely well adjusted about it and am looking to make a plan to move forward. I’m not sure how to keep myself on track or even if I want to. I know I want to feel better, I know from an aesthetics point of view I’d like to drop some weight, lower my body fat %, but really I just want to feel better. I want to have the energy I feel like I am supposed to have (there’s that pesky “supposed to” again…). Everything seems to set me back — the last couple days I’ve been sleeping 8-9 hours and waking up still exhausted. I’m trying to listen to my body, I listen and then I yell at it for not cooperating and doing what I need it to do. I need to meet myself where I’m at… so many things that I know logically, that I need to apply emotionally. I suppose that is the dilemma… now what?! fuck you diabetes. and the rest of the shit too. it feels like everytime I think I might have a handle on things, something else goes wrong… when is this shit supposed to get easier. ugh. I just have to remember to enjoy the time in between these times. the sunset — everyday, over the water — being able to get to the beach any time I want… people vacation where I live for god’s sake. yes. positive. I’m going to end on that. xo
So I just googled “Celebrate Everything” and apparently it’s a thing… I had no idea, but I love it.
Recently, friend quoted me back to myself, she said that I told her to “celebrate everything,” that everything could be a victory if you wanted it to be… her words coming back to me were inspiring, even more so because she was able to help me with the same words with which I was able to help her. Amazing shit. Those words continue to help me. Fine, I snoozed my dexcom and didn’t have a juice box the first time I heard it, but I got up when it went off the second time — that is something to celebrate. I may not be scoring 100%, but I DON’T NEED TO BE PERFECT — I should really write that about 20, mmmmaybe 2000 times, then maybe it will sink into my head. I need to learn to accept my best as my best and not set the bar so high that I feel like a failure everyday, with anything and everything… not just diabetes. I am an imperfect person. Sometimes I feel like that statement is a surprise to me, or a statement of failure, like everyone else has their shit together and I’m the only one struggling — with everything. Let’s face it, pretty much everyday is a fucking struggle.
I have been using the my Sugr app (very cool) to track my sugars and insulin, I’ve not been perfect about entering my numbers, but the reason I’m telling you this is because at the bottom of the screen where you enter your BG, Carbs, Insulin, etc. there are different icons to indicate which meal it is, how you’re feeling, what you’re doing… this has forced me to think about how I’m feeling several times in a single day, rather than ignoring it for weeks… pretty much every entry I would select the “stressed” emoji, to the point where it made me question, “Am I really stressed out all the time?” — the honest answer is yes. I feel like there is something oscillating in my core at all times… it’s been that way for so long it’s my normal. I don’t think that’s good. I’m going to try to change that. If fear and faith cannot coexist, then I just need to have faith that I am going to be okay. This is advice that is easy for me to give, but very hard for me to live. So this time I’m going to take my own advice and celebrate everything. Look for it on Instagram @sophiethacher — I’m going to try to post a #CelebrateEverything everyday…
Planking credit: Rae #outsidersplanking
Diabetes! seriously, you suck. What exercise can I do without totally fucking up my blood sugar? Planking?! *@!? Walking — good for me. Swimming — good for me. Neither of these things are particularly strenuous… but they make my blood sugar drop. like a rock. then I’m left trying to figure it out, I don’t feel it until it’s too late, I’m already low and still crashing hard, then I get to shake and worry and try to fix it (and panic, hopefully only on the inside, so no one else panics and/or figures it out). How am I supposed to get back to “normal” when I can’t even do “non-active” activities… it’s not like I’m asking to run a marathon… floating in the ocean is not an ironman, in fact, it’s little more than sitting in a chair… what’s next, blood sugar drops due to watching tv? better not sit in an office chair too long, that’ll make my blood sugar drop too, only safe exercise seems to be sleeping and even then #notsomuch Don’t get me wrong, planking can be hilarious in the right context
Yesterday was a BIG day.
It was the first real Crossfit class I’ve been to since I started back working out. And it was my first real workout with the Dexcom. It went really well. It was hard. I’m sore today (which means I’m going to be really sore tomorrow). I didn’t crash, I dropped 80 mg/dL in an hour, but I walked out of there at around 90 mg/dL without having to stop in the middle of my workout. I sipped a gatorade/water mix the whole time and had my monitor somewhere where I could see/hear it most of the time. I also battled my ever present “not a part of” feeling — that thought that everyone in the group didn’t like me and no one wanted to be my friend… I’m so awkward (or at least I feel really awkward), in new situations. I am committing to myself and now to the internet universe that I am going to do something active three days per week. I want to do crossfit M/W/F each week, but I will accept any type of exercise to meet this goal. Also, after ten crossfit sessions, I will buy myself new shoes as a prize. #timidlyhopeful #cautiouslyoptimistic
I’m still working through potential diet plans and workout strategies to support staying active… recap of my findings to be posted soon. Special thanks to @t1dactiveliving for her help finding information.
I wake up a bit low — drink some juice real fast because I was going to work out… had a decent workout, ending at 139 mg/dL, great, I eat breakfast, give insulin accordingly and then 3 hours later I’m at 58… actually felt like I might pass out… great. thanks diabetes. #not. after a crap load of peppermints (I’m at the office, reminder to self: plan better for lows when not at home), I’m back up to 139… great. Now it’s lunch time… now what? Set up for another crash? Just go high and try to fight the mental fog? this sucks. I’m sorry I can’t be more positive about this, I feel like I should be making more progress, but I’m just angry and frustrated and slightly dizzy. #badday