I am attending the Stanford Medicine X conference and as with any conference when you are walking around you hear snippets of other people’s conversations, for example… “the longterm damage caused by diabetes” …okay, I can’t directly remember any others… so most likely this comment was not all that inflamatory and the inflection was probably in my head. The last time I tested I was at 384… I’m foggy, my mouth tastes terrible, my eyes hurt, I want to take a nap, I have the beginning rumblings of a headache… and I’m at this amazing conference where I want to be able to pay attention and learn and interact with people, but instead I am sitting outside nursing some tea (for hopefully hydration and tast adjustment purposes) and writing this — trying to address the emotional and physical aspects of this stupid fucking disease. I’m not as angry as I used to be — at least not as regularly, but I really really really hate days like this, I just want to cry… or more accurately I’m on the brink of tears that are a combination of emotions, headache, and aching eyes… the eyes more than anything remind me of the long term complication possibilities of this disease and how days like these are puttin gmy long term health in jeopardy… and then I get mad at myself, feeling like I’ve failed at diabetes, simultatenously failing myself and in the eyes of everyone else. I’ve thought about locking this up, trying to be positive, looking on the bright side, but I think that will only speed up the burnout I’m already feeling — letting this out here keeps me sane, it keeps me from acting out in other ways… becoming non-compliant, lashing out at friends and family, holing up in my room with Netflix, and a host of other non-productive behaviors. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is one day at a time, today will end, my blood sugars will get better, I will feel hopeful and happy again — today will end and tomorrow I will get to start fresh, it may not be perfect, but it will be different and I will handle it then… wooo sahhhhh
Over stimulated doesn’t cover it. I’ve avoided really writing for awhile, I went back into the the half processing of thinking something through, but never writing about it, so not closing the loop on processing anything… so the same shit keeps surfacing and sinking, round and round, as I also accumulate more shit… and the cycle goes on. At Stanford Medicine X this weekend and it’s been awesome, but it has also just added so many more things to think about. My head is swimming, in a good-ish productive-ish trajectory, but swimming nonethless…. Right now it’s all I can do to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Remembering to eat, breathe, and take quiet time as I can and as I need to… I’m half writing this here just to justify it to myself… woooo sahhhhh.