In my thirties… not in the good way

It feels like a year ago already, but last week I sat down on my couch and felt a bit weird, I’ve had trouble feeling my lows lately, so I thought I’d be super proactive and test, even though my Dexcom said that I was fine … 38. That was not a typo. 38. That is the third time I’ve been in the 30s in as many weeks… #notgood. So I immediately get up to get juice, gummies, pretzels, almond butter… pretty much everything from my kitchen – at which point, standing up I all of a sudden felt everything… dizzy, getting hotter, couldn’t remember why I had stood up… “oh yeah… juice, right, yes, that.” I somehow figure out/decide on what I want out of my kitchen – it seems that the lower my blood sugar is the longer it takes me to decide what kind of juice I want, and whether it’s cold enough, and if I want it in the box or in a cup… why does any of that matter when I’m about to pass out you might ask… I’ll let you know when I figure it out… — so I make it back to my couch, at which point I do something radical, I reached out for help… I text 3 friends, one to talk to, one to be dia-honest with, and one to save my ass… and each one responded and was there for me in their own way… I made it through, obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this, but it took almost an hour before I was in normal range, and it hammered home the point I had almost already accepted… I need help. Like real help. What I’m doing right now isn’t working. And pretending that it is working is starting to get dangerous.

hidden identities

When I came out, and then started dressing as I’m comfortable, it became very clear to the rest of the world (by their standards) just how gay I really am… which in case you’re still confused, is really really gay. However, when I was diagnosed with diabetes I just kind of looked like I had the flu, and then with my sugars under (relatively) better control, I went back to “looking normal” (whatever the fuck that means… another rant for another day). So here’s the problem with all that… I’m actually kind of sick, and more recently, really sick. I hate that word, you won’t really hear me use it, but in the dictionary definition, objective explanation of things, that’s what I am… my body doesn’t work right and it makes me feel like shit, lately it’s been doing that a lot, and if I don’t get this shit under control soon, it’s just going to spiral… I’m saying this “out loud” as much to the internet as I am to myself. Things are not okay. So I’ve come to a big decision… I’m going to head back east to spend that time with my family… so that I can get better… that’s right, I’m going to let my family help me. I never thought this day would come, I say this sarcastically, but also not really. I said in a previous night scout post that I would never let my parents see my numbers… well guess who is going to setup night scout on their devices for them… that would be me. I even heard myself agree when my mom suggested that they put a baby monitor in my room… I’m 27… and I’m so scared by my lows recently that I actually agreed to that. That should give you a little hint to where I’m at…

In many ways I’m grateful I can get away with passing as being well, it means I don’t have to discuss my health with everyone I meet, I don’t get the fake sympathy, or the weird looks that other illnesses can bring… but for me “passable” has also meant denial, lots of lots of denial

Best Explanation/Summary of Type 1

This is by far the best, simple concise explanation of type 1 I have found… thank you @HelmsleyT1D

Type 1 diabetes (T1D) is a life-altering autoimmune disease that afflicts nearly two million people in the U.S. alone. There currently is no cure and the number of annual diagnoses is on the rise. It is perhaps the only disease in which patients are required to monitor their condition constantly and make their own dosing decisions with a drug that, if improperly administered, can kill them. It is a dangerous and relentless 24/7 grind, and research shows that the vast number of people with T1D are failing to properly and safely manage their disease.

With T1D, the body attacks its own insulin-producing cells in the pancreas. Insulin is a hormone that enables the body to metabolize and use glucose. Elevated glucose levels can be immediately life-threatening in severe cases, but more commonly they can result in a range of serious long-term health complications, including blindness, amputations, heart disease and kidney disease. T1D is managed today by a rigorous regimen of monitoring glucose levels – either by pricking one’s skin multiple times per day or wearing a subcutaneous continuous glucose monitor – and then administering insulin via injection or an insulin pump. None of this process is automated currently, which means end users (or their caregivers) must play the role of a pancreas.


little wins

today I setup the wifi-only samsung galaxy I used to test the NightScout system so that I can stay connected to the NightScout server while charging the samsung galaxy that’s on a data plan… meaning that I can stay on the NightScout monitoring system all the time… that’s right people, I am actually trying to stay on something that might help me… and god help me, I’ve agreed to setup my parents so that they can see my numbers too… just in case… wooo sahhhhhh

Find a penny pick it up

I should probably write about my progress with xDrip… which has been tough, but productive, or how I’m doing with diabetes, bad… but instead I want to talk to you about something wonderful… I’ve been finding pennies everywhere… I had a hunch that my grandfather had something to do with it (yes, I’m about to get all woo woo with this, if you’re not down go read something else)… just confirmed with my mom that I was not making stuff up in my memory, that Tuck (as we called my grandfather) did in fact collect coins from all his travels… I’m talking about spooky, ridiculous, frequent penny finding… I have a thought, I see a penny… holy shit, that thought has just been validated… maybe I’m nuts, but I have a lot of shit going on right now and whether or not I’m making this up in my head I don’t care because it’s helping me… so Tuck, if you’re listening, thanks — keep ’em coming, I need the support. I love you. that is all.