how did I get here?

love-actually-bill-nighy-holiday-gifs-and-movies-shk

I’m 27. I’m sober. on psych meds. on insulin… oh yeah, because I’m diabetic. living in Hermosa Beach, working out of my apt for the most part. some people believe I’m smart and/or competent. both could be debated depending on the day. that imposter syndrome thing… it’s real, sometimes I even shock myself when I know what I’m doing. how fucked up is that? how did I get here? more like where the fuck am I? where am I going? that’s an even more outlandish question. who the fuck knows. do I care? I must if I’m writing this. this thought keeps popping up — who is reading this? do I need to be concerned about this? everything I put out here could definitely be used to question my sanity… I mean, fuck, I question my own sanity on here… I questioned it about two sentences back. I am one person, true, there is no separating the sobriety from the diabetes, from any other aspect of my life. Maybe I could be more polite about things, but let’s be real that’s not authentic to me either… haha. authentic, there’s a loaded word, blatantly misused by so many — if you have to state it over and over, did you ever really have it to begin with? anyway, I’ve never been one to mince words, so I guess why would I start here — the place I started writing just for the purpose of not having to filter myself. not filtering while also expressing those thoughts in open forum for the rest of the world to read, interesting concept. I guess I didn’t give that contradiction all that much thought before I started. too late to stop now. and let’s be real it feels good to get this off my chest, dropping the rock as my sponsor told me. somehow this is different than just writing in my journal, or typing in an empty document — I hope someone reads this and for whatever reason it causes them to pause, even if they just laugh at me because they think I’m ridiculous, it it could help someone who feels some of the same things I feel that would be great too, but let’s be real I am a bit ridiculous, so at least if someone gets a laugh out of it, I guess it’s not all for naught. who the fuck knows.