Dear Diabetes, you suck.

a front end developer who also happens to have type 1 diabetes

Month: November 2014

vacation disobedience

FailI start everyday with the best of intentions… and then there are some biscuits, and a few crisps, and I just don’t feel like checking my blood sugar… and then that happens again, and again. I would say “oops” — but let’s be real, no one is making me eat these things, I make a choice each time I eat something, both about what I’m eating and about whether or not I check my bg and/or give insulin for it… in the back of my mind I know that if I give insulin for the amount I’m eating I’m going to rise and then crash, big time… probably over night… and who really wants to be woken up by their CGM, not me. 1) I’ll probably ignore it anyway, I know that’s dangerous, and I’d rather not die  — 2) I’d rather sleep in and not be bothered — 3) It’s annoying and I resent the whole thing

So there it is… all in all a very mature reaction /not. and to be honest I really have no inclination to change. I know I’ll have to/will get back on track when I’m home, but I’m also aware that each moment/hour/day I spend high it damaging my body — I know that that might seem extreme, but I treasure my health and I don’t want to deal with the potential long term consequences that are brought on with this type of behaviour.

Ugh. I know better, and I’m doing the opposite anyway. I woke up today feeling like shit, a mild headache and terrible nausea, it felt like a hangover, despite the fact that I haven’t had a drink in almost two years now. And how did I address this nausea… a giant cookie #fail / #win … even my reaction to that statement is telling of my current mindset. I love being here, I’ve been away almost two weeks now, visiting friends and family in the UK, but if I’m going to survive my trip — and be able to establish a behaviour standard for future trips away, I need to get this shit under control.

I know how to defeat this, I need to make the healthy choice the easy choice, drink enough water, get rid of the junk food, just don’t buy it in the first place — look at my CGM record, take in my reality and fast-forward to think about what will happen if I keep up this behaviour.

Dear god (or whatever is out there), please help. Thanks.

Love, Sophie

I’m still here…and so is diabetes.

I keep thinking that diabetes will just randomly evaporate and not be a part of my life anymore. No longer with me when I wake, walk, talk, work, move, breathe, live. I’m so sick of having to consider it as a factor in every decision I make, every thought has to be followed by “do I have my kit? do I need it? do I really need it? have I got everything that I need? do I need extra snacks? do I have extra snacks? are the things I need close enough that it’s not annoying to go get them? will I be walking much? do I need to turn it down now? or should I wait? why is my sugar doing that? do I need to fix it? will it fix itself? shit, what was I going to go do in the first place?”

so seriously… on the front of random evaporation… where are we with that? close? a year? a month? #seriouslyplease

belonging no where and everywhere

Five or so years ago I was sitting at a kitchen table in Dublin with my sister and cousin, having reconnected after not having seen one another for years, and not having spent more than an afternoon together for much longer than that. In an instant it was as if no time had past. Not only were we family, but we had another key thing in common, feeling as if we belonged no where and everywhere at the same time. I have treasured that conversation, because previously I had felt alone in that feeling. In the years since then I have come across more and more friends who feel the same way, transient by choice, called “rootless” by others, yet feeling at home in many places. I recently found a TED talk given by Pico Iyer which addressed this facet of my generation, as a skill and a benefit, rather than something that made me different from all my grade school friends who travelled home to see all of their family in one place where they were from, or even more envious, those who did not even need to travel, having all of their family living in the local area. I was jealous at the time, wanting what I saw as the stability and closeness of this traditional family model, but in time I have grown to treasure my more eclectic raising and the benefits, experiences, and skills that have come along with it, still separating me from my peers, but in a way that no longer feels like a disadvantage.

I’ve had the opportunity to share this with quite a few people at this point, but it has come up in conversation so many times I felt compelled to share it here as well. I hope you love it too.

better, but still much the same

I’m in London at the moment, a coming home of sorts — I haven’t been able to stop smiling since I got off the plane, not sure what it is… the city itself, being somewhere new, being away from the baggage of home, being on holiday (although I did work a bit the first few days.. the pleasure of the ability to work from anywhere, haha), whatever it is I’m not questioning it. I am however contemplating a move… nothing immediate or drastic, but a slow realization that this is really somewhere I would like to be again for a bit. I sort of knew that already. Also, I usually want to stay wherever I’m travelling to… #wanderlust … I’m inclined to do something about this one though, we’ll see.

I took a long way home from the underground station today, walking through a park instead of on the main road… through a park I suddenly remembered really well. It was weird, I was walking along and all of a sudden I knew where I was and what was coming up ahead… and I never know where I am or what’s ahead, I’m always lost. It was an incredible feeling of safety and familiarity, while really I was 5,451 miles away from where I’ve called home for the better part of the last ten years.

Not all those who wander are lost   — J. R. R. Tolkien 

Writing that last paragraph made me think of the Tolkien quote above. While I am lost in the true sense of the word quite a bit, I do truly love to wander. This past week I have just wandered, gone a few places with intent, but mostly explored. I’m ashamed to say I haven’t made it to any museums, I just keep getting side tracked — I’ve had a wonderful time just learning my way about again and getting to be without worry… I hadn’t realized I was worrying until I wasn’t, strange how that is.

Barn_Owl_Flight_6_by_NefaroStockI’ve just returned from being in Kent with a friend, a friend whom I could not see for another ten years and I would still feel as if I’d only been gone a week. I love the country, I’d forgotten how nice it is to be away, near a woods, where you can look out and see nothing but countryside, patched out with fences and different grass or hay… I’m sure it would be different if I were living away from the city, rather than just visiting, but even just being able to walk around in the mud and see horses and owls was wonderful. On the topic of owls, we saw a barn owl last night, just sitting there in the middle of the road… the type of owl my tattoo was modeled after… spooky, but calming all at the same time.

I started writing with the intent to express my feelings around being the type 1 advocate anywhere I go was exhausting, but empowering all at the same time… explaining type 1 to new people, having to rehash my diagnosis story, and the explanation of how the pump works, the difference between type 1 and type 2, “no, I can’t get rid of it,” “no, it’s not hereditary,” “yes, I’m on insulin,” the types of insulin regimens I’ve been on, dispelling any other misinformation that they may have… it can get exhausting sometimes, but I found myself thinking today that now this person can go on and if ever they meet someone else with diabetes, or if it comes up in conversation, they will now have correct information… to be able to be compassionate and informed to whomever else they meet… and that is an amazing thing. In talking about it I also hear myself saying that “there are good days and bad days, and I’m constantly adjusting, but I am very thankful for the technology that makes my life so much easier” — that statement contains so much that I had previously fought so hard against. But I am thankful and I do get angry at it still, and both of those things are okay.

 

 

What to do when your body betrays you.

YouCantSitWithUs

Do you ever feel like this is what your body is saying to you?

I haven’t figured this out yet, but I’m trying. Sometimes I’m really depressed and emotional about this and then other times I’m completely well adjusted about it and am looking to make a plan to move forward. I’m not sure how to keep myself on track or even if I want to. I know I want to feel better, I know from an aesthetics point of view I’d like to drop some weight, lower my body fat %, but really I just want to feel better. I want to have the energy I feel like I am supposed to have (there’s that pesky “supposed to” again…). Everything seems to set me back — the last couple days I’ve been sleeping 8-9 hours and waking up still exhausted. I’m trying to listen to my body, I listen and then I yell at it for not cooperating and doing what I need it to do. I need to meet myself where I’m at… so many things that I know logically, that I need to apply emotionally. I suppose that is the dilemma… now what?! fuck you diabetes. and the rest of the shit too. it feels like everytime I think I might have a handle on things, something else goes wrong… when is this shit supposed to get easier. ugh. I just have to remember to enjoy the time in between these times. the sunset — everyday, over the water — being able to get to the beach any time I want… people vacation where I live for god’s sake. yes. positive. I’m going to end on that. xo

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