I reread this and it’s funny and not funny all at the same time… the dictation #SiriFails make it that much better. I figured other diabetics would get it…
I had a surreal feeling this morning, walking through my apt — I heard the tick of my insulin pump, and for the first time I can remember I had no feelings about it. I noticed the sound, registered it and then kept going. It was a few minutes later that I realized what had happened. that diabetes had become a passive part of my life. my life is my cover photo. in the midst of the rest of my life, regardless as to how I feel about it, there is the constant of diabetes.
I have so many things for which to be grateful. I have nothing to be upset about. Yet I can’t shake the “but.” A friend asked me how it was going with the diabetes… and it was like my world re-imploded right then. If she had asked just how I was doing ,without the diabetic reference, I would have enthusiastically told her about starting to coach lacrosse and the amazing camping trip I went on last weekend, how work is boring, but good, and how Casey is doing well, friends are good and how life is generally amazing… but diabetes blows. there’s no way around it.
There is a frozen part of me inside — I don’t feel anything in reference to diabetes. If I do start to feel something it is quickly stuffed down and refrozen. I haven’t really talked about it, or written here because I don’t really want to address it. I want everything to be okay and my “easy” way to deal with it is to not deal with it, just ignore it, pretend that it’s not there, or that it doesn’t bother me.
I don’t know what else to say here. Usually I have strong feelings when I write, but recently I have been apathetic at best. actively avoiding tapping into feelings for fear of feeling them. that’s not going to hold out in the long-term. it feels like my brain is filled with the tv-snow… from back when that was a thing