shattered-glassI feel broken for so many reasons. lately it’s been emotionally, in all directions. fighting bad habits and emotional decision making, even though it feels completely wrong. trying to “save” myself with “healthy” choices, that only make me feel sick and ripped up inside. I’m trying to do the “right” thing and take direction from people I trust, but it hurts and feels wrong. even sharing this here feels “against the rules” — like I’m supposed to suffer in silence because it’s “right.” I guess I can try it, if it doesn’t work I can go back to my way. some may call me self-destructive, while looking at my past behavior objectively I am likely to at least admit that they have a point, but at least I was allowed, or chose to follow my heart — not just in matters of the heart, but in matters of everything. I have always trusted myself, I don’t know why, now, I am choosing to put my faith in others when it feels so wrong. If I don’t know what’s best for me, how can anyone else? I’m not a child that needs to eat more vegetables…

I know that I am not an island, I have accepted that. I am dependent on insulin and my machines, I need people that care about me, who I can care about. But all this seems to have been thrown to the wind. I thought I had felt and healed the wreckage of years, with the acknowledgement of my errors and corrective action — I did not see, in full, the damage that needs to be addressed.

I feel like I have been whipped across the back, on top of raised scars barely healed, leaving open wounds on top of previous wreckage… I don’t even know if that makes any sense, but it is the image that comes to mind when my emotions turn into  day dreams. I thought I had avoided this, but turns out it was just delayed, almost as if the wounds have been there the whole time, but I just noticed. the healing that I assumed was instantaneous is requiring more time, more care, more attention. and I’m bitter about it. I am done with the past affecting my present. I want to be able to do what I feel is right without having to ask for a double check. a double check of my sanity. of my blood sugar. of my meds mix. I just want to be. is that so much to ask?