Dear Diabetes, you suck.

a front end developer who also happens to have type 1 diabetes

Death / Diabetes

FAMILY_GUY_DEATH

Death: formerly known as diabetes

So this is pretty much how I feel about Diabetes today. I am angry. I started on the pump. I hate it. I had to do the “installation” by myself for the first time. I have never felt so alone. It hurt. It was scary. I don’t have many options for location because I don’t have enough body fat. You read that correctly, being healthy, and not fat, is working against me. This stupid disease, which is supposed to be helped by exercise is actually also hindered by it. So it then doesn’t help that I continue to lose weight. I am trying to eat properly, but I just don’t feel like eating as I was before. I used to snack all the time, I’m not feeling like protein and even with the pump, every meal feels like a challenge, it’s just easier to go without, unless I absolutely need it. A sprite here or there keeps me up and alive. I hate this. I resent the world. I am angry and so sad all at the same time. For the first time in ages I felt like tossing stuff across the room, or taking a lacrosse shaft or a baseball bat to anything within my immediate vicinity. Beat whatever that is to a pulp, until it is broken in pieces, rendered useless to whatever function or task it was made to fulfill. I wish I could take on Diabetes like that. Train hard and then fight to the death. At least then I would have a chance to fight, a hope and a strategy to beat Diabetes — and hopefully leave a few marks and before sending it limping away. I do not want live with this stupid fucking disease for the rest of my life. I am so angry, I’m sick of this stupid shit. I would much prefer a cage match with a worthy adversary, even a seasoned veteran, than living this disease. I want to beat the shit out of this stupid fucking disease. maybe I’ll get a punching bag with “Diabetes” on it. Or maybe I’ll just collapse in the fucking sad self pity that is my life my life at the moment.

I just feel so alone. I know that there is help within my reach, but I fight against it because I want to be able to do this myself. I see asking for help as a weakness. this is a flaw in my character. I want to be able to take care of myself. without the crutch of anyone. whether real or imagined. requested or forced upon me. I do not want to depend on anyone and I do not want anyone in my life to believe that I depend on them. although I know that I will not be happy surviving as an island, my instinct is still to try. I am so glad that I was diagnosed as an adult so that I have the option of being responsible for myself from the beginning. Not having to wean a parent away from the controls. I am a capable adult. I do not want to be treated as a child. It’s juvenile diabetes, it doesn’t turn me into a juvenile.

I want to be true and authentic. I want to appear as I am. represent my true self. this is what I am working towards. In my mind my true self does not include diabetes, but I guess I will have to adjust.  fuck everything. I should probably go to sleep now. I just had a whole mini sprite, so hopefully I’ll be high enough to make it through the night without my stupid dexcom waking me up. Rant over. or maybe just paused.

16 Comments

  1. Hi Sophie. I don’t know you, but so much of what you’ve said here I’ve felt or thought myself at one time or another. I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are beautiful and strong, and none of this diabetes stuff is fair, but you won’t have to face any of it by yourself.

    I hope you find some solace in talking with other people with diabetes (PWDs), wherever you might find them.

    • thank you so much for sharing this with me — it is amazing to know that there are other t1ds that get it. Even knowing that is supporting. I am trying to reach out, and continue to battle myself to do what I know will help me.

  2. I have no idea what it is like to be newly diagnosed, but I do know that I used to want to do this diabetes thing by myself and it didn’t work. Even if you do all the medical things by yourself, having a larger diabetes community to talk to is a great help. We are here when you’re ready.

    • Thank you for reaching out — I so appreciate you sharing your experience. I am trying to reach out… or at least fighting in my head to get me to do it. I know it’s the right thing, but it is still a battle for me.

  3. Boy do I feel your pain… or have felt your pain – or whatever the right verb tense is. About 6 months after my diagnosis (at age 29) I started to have a recurring dream that I was at a doctor’s office and the doctor was very seriously breaking it to me that I had a terminal form of cancer and there was no treatment or hope, I would have about 6-8 weeks to live. In the dream, instead of feeling despair or sorrow I just felt immensely relieved. Relieved that I wouldn’t have to live with diabetes. Somehow that woke me up that I needed help coping and it was impacting everything in my life. My wonderful CDE recommended a therapist (that was one of the hardest things I ever had to do – asking the CDE) who specialized in chronic illness and T1. I know you want to do this on your own, but getting the help and support you need is still doing it on your own. Your body needs insulin now because your pancreas isn’t making it — getting that insulin from the pharmacy doesn’t mean that you aren’t taking care of yourself on your own. Getting whatever support will let you live your best life is exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself. Please keep in touch with the DOC — you can find me on twitter @poeticlibrarian and at http://principlesofuncertainty.wordpress.com and keep talking about what you are thinking and feeling — you are not alone.

    • thank you so much for sharing your experience — I was diagnosed at 25 and have had similar thoughts, trying to think of ways out of dealing with this disease. I have help available, both clinical and personal, my biggest problem is both reaching out and then accepting the help that I reached out for — for me it is very much a two step process. It feels like I say this about my whole life, but I’m working on it, and I believe I will be “working on it” for the rest of my life — now to make peace with that, lol. I’ve followed you on twitter and wordpress, let’s definitely stay in touch.

      • I added your blog to my feedly and definitely want to stay in touch. As someone else mentioned I also use the Omnipod & CGM so we have a lot in common there. You can do this!

  4. Hey there –
    I don’t want to say don’t worry, it gets easier, because that’s a lie. Diabetes never gets easy. But I’m here 17 years late and as a late-twentysomething living with it, just wanted to remind you that no matter how alone you feel, you’re not.

    I also use a CGM and Omnipod so if you ever want to vent, talk, relate, whatever – find me on twitter @followkristyn or email me!

    • Thank you for your honesty. I’m so sick of people telling me “it’s going to be okay” because like you said, it’s a lie. I’ve followed you on twitter — looking forward to staying in touch.

  5. Thanks for your honesty and authenticity as always – I continue to appreciate that about your blog.

    I can relate on your comment: “In my mind my true self does not include diabetes.”

    Your true self *does not* include diabetes, your true self is that which is aware of diabetes, but the two are not the same. Your true self is aware of your body, but is not the same as your body. It is this that allows you true self to begin to change the relationship it has with your body. I found early on after diagnosis, that before I became type 1, I believed I *was* my body. I soon realized that my body is not me, but we can work together and started to see that my body was a companion who needed my help, not a foe who was rebelling against me. How would I treat this dear friend? Would I continue to treat this friend the way I’d done for years before? Constantly eating pints of ice cream, drinking liters of soda and other junk food, not exercising, etc.? This was not a very sustainable friendship, and in some ways, diabetes made me aware of that fact.

    Your true self and your body are partners. I can only recommend (gently recommend) to start conversing with your body and see what it wants, how it feels, and think about how you can honor its changing needs more and more. Your body needs rest and healing right now, and your true self can be there for it to offer any support necessary in terms of food consumption, medication requirements, and movement. Your mind can help figure out how to achieve better blood sugars so that your body begins to feel better and benefits. This process will take a while.

    It’s normal to freak out, so don’t mis-take my comment to mean that you shouldn’t be feeling the way you’re feeling – you definitely should. Yet also know that as humans we’re very adaptable, and this roller coaster won’t last forever – you will come into a much higher degree of harmony day after day as a Type 1 – I promise you that.

    Sending good energy to your true self and body!

    • Thank you for your good energy and support — it means so much to know that there are other people who truly understand.

  6. I was diagnosed at Age 24, but it was 38 years ago. I some ways I think I had it easier than you because there were no BG meters and I only took one shot a day. No visible hardware and no expectations of good BG numbers. I didn’t have the Internet to support me, but I also suppose I didn’t have the Internet to reinforce how shitty Type 1 can be. I have no great words of wisdom for you, but know that lots of people in the diabetes online community have your back.

    (I came to your blog through Allison’s post today at The Blood Sugar Whisperer.)

    • Thanks for you for sharing your experience — the online community has been the backbone of my support, I just have to remember to reach out and ask for help.

  7. I was diagnosed at 28. I spent a lot of time feeling like I was either the only one living with Type 1, or the only one living poorly because of it. I don’t have anything useful to say except… You have something to say that so many need to hear. Keep saying it. Even during this tough time, you are helping people to understand how awful this T1D life can be.

    I’ll also echo what everyone else has been saying: You are not alone. You will never be alone. Hope things get better.

    • Thanks Stephen — sometimes I feel like I just “feelings-vomit” here… well that’s basically true, haha. If my words can help even one other person I will consider this a success… on top of helping me deal as well. Thanks again 🙂

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