So this is pretty much how I feel about Diabetes today. I am angry. I started on the pump. I hate it. I had to do the “installation” by myself for the first time. I have never felt so alone. It hurt. It was scary. I don’t have many options for location because I don’t have enough body fat. You read that correctly, being healthy, and not fat, is working against me. This stupid disease, which is supposed to be helped by exercise is actually also hindered by it. So it then doesn’t help that I continue to lose weight. I am trying to eat properly, but I just don’t feel like eating as I was before. I used to snack all the time, I’m not feeling like protein and even with the pump, every meal feels like a challenge, it’s just easier to go without, unless I absolutely need it. A sprite here or there keeps me up and alive. I hate this. I resent the world. I am angry and so sad all at the same time. For the first time in ages I felt like tossing stuff across the room, or taking a lacrosse shaft or a baseball bat to anything within my immediate vicinity. Beat whatever that is to a pulp, until it is broken in pieces, rendered useless to whatever function or task it was made to fulfill. I wish I could take on Diabetes like that. Train hard and then fight to the death. At least then I would have a chance to fight, a hope and a strategy to beat Diabetes — and hopefully leave a few marks and before sending it limping away. I do not want live with this stupid fucking disease for the rest of my life. I am so angry, I’m sick of this stupid shit. I would much prefer a cage match with a worthy adversary, even a seasoned veteran, than living this disease. I want to beat the shit out of this stupid fucking disease. maybe I’ll get a punching bag with “Diabetes” on it. Or maybe I’ll just collapse in the fucking sad self pity that is my life my life at the moment.
I just feel so alone. I know that there is help within my reach, but I fight against it because I want to be able to do this myself. I see asking for help as a weakness. this is a flaw in my character. I want to be able to take care of myself. without the crutch of anyone. whether real or imagined. requested or forced upon me. I do not want to depend on anyone and I do not want anyone in my life to believe that I depend on them. although I know that I will not be happy surviving as an island, my instinct is still to try. I am so glad that I was diagnosed as an adult so that I have the option of being responsible for myself from the beginning. Not having to wean a parent away from the controls. I am a capable adult. I do not want to be treated as a child. It’s juvenile diabetes, it doesn’t turn me into a juvenile.
I want to be true and authentic. I want to appear as I am. represent my true self. this is what I am working towards. In my mind my true self does not include diabetes, but I guess I will have to adjust. fuck everything. I should probably go to sleep now. I just had a whole mini sprite, so hopefully I’ll be high enough to make it through the night without my stupid dexcom waking me up. Rant over. or maybe just paused.