Dear Diabetes, you suck.

a front end developer who also happens to have type 1 diabetes

Oh shit. Did I choose the right one?!

sharkOmnipod v. t-Slim v. MiniMed … who the fuck knows. Wait, what’s that other one again… t-slim? Fuck all of this. I’m not even sure if I should be on a pump. First a friend of a friend, who I barely know and barely knows me, questions my choice to go with the omnipod over the minimed… and then tells me that I should really take care of my teeth. yeah. that happened. and while I was at brunch, it was a weird day. Then all of a sudden my numbers go flat, not flat-ish, but “Do I really have Diabetes?” flat. That is a dangerous question. All of a sudden I’m not sure if I really need a pump, I have visions of just two shots a day, meals without a real care, just checking in to make sure that I’m still good — which of course I always would be… it’s just a dream. Whether or not I want to accept it, I have diabetes. I thought I had gotten through the denial phase. Oh fuck. now I’m going backwards. again. at something else. I digress… the point is that my numbers are flat, the spooky flat way I imagine the the ocean would look before jaws jumps out to eat me (#SharkWeek is coming!). And I couldn’t figure it out… I mean in theory it’s good, but really it’s just  spooky. I’ve been staying at around 120, seemingly no matter what I do — I eat and nothing happens. I keep waiting for something to happen, but then it doesn’t, and I’m weirdly disappointed and confused — not because I want my blood sugar to drop, but because I want it to make sense. As I typed that sentence, I heard my mistake — I can’t ever let myself think that this disease will ever make sense.

So I was weirded out enough to call my doctor — adjusted my basal insulin so I am only taking it in the am — which means I am down to 5 units of levemir per day, barely dosing with novolog for meals…this makes no sense. How can I have diabetes if I don’t need insulin, or at least need so little?

So I might know why… I have a confession to make… I’m still not eating, I mean I’m not starving myself, I am eating sometimes, but not normally, or enough by nutrition standards. I have been going through some personal shit lately and although I know that I have taken the right steps and am on the right path, it has been hard. really hard. way harder than I thought it was going to be. I made the right choice, so why does this hurt. Most of the time I’m fine, I did make the right choice, but the one thing that doesn’t seem to follow my rationalizing is my appetite, I’m just not hungry. I’m trying, I’m making myself, but I am just not hungry. I don’t feel like eating waffles. I love waffles. So maybe that’s why my blood sugar is stable… I don’t really feel like eating, so I’m not going to think too hard about that one.

So…in summary (because I have been so all over the place): I’m not sure I made the right choice with omnipod, I’m not sure I made the right choice about a pump period, my blood sugar is weirdly stable, but I’m not eating, so maybe that’s why my blood sugar is stable

2 Comments

  1. Hey man. I remember that spookiness way back when I was first diagnosed. I thought I had had some miraculous healing and couldn’t believe I was doing so well. Shockingly, I actually went for a week without insulin a few months after diagnosis (though in truth I was probably running pretty hight the whole time). Anyway, it’s referred to as the “honeymoon period” – a time shortly after many Type 1s get diagnosed where the islet cells that are still around feel a bit more at ease because you’re assisting them with injecting insulin and start to produce more again. If you keep your BG in tight control, there’s a good chance they’ll keep on producing and making your job as a T1 easier, however if you let you get out of control most of the time as most do, they’ll eventually burnout from everything that I’ve read about it.

    In regard to denial piece – can totally relate. I’ve been a Type 1 and only in the past 5-7 years have I finally let go of being in denial. Nonetheless, there are times where it still hits me and angers me – usually when my BG spikes despite my best efforts and I feel out of control. Thankfully, that isn’t too often anymore.

    Thanks for posting!

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