Omnipod v. t-Slim v. MiniMed … who the fuck knows. Wait, what’s that other one again… t-slim? Fuck all of this. I’m not even sure if I should be on a pump. First a friend of a friend, who I barely know and barely knows me, questions my choice to go with the omnipod over the minimed… and then tells me that I should really take care of my teeth. yeah. that happened. and while I was at brunch, it was a weird day. Then all of a sudden my numbers go flat, not flat-ish, but “Do I really have Diabetes?” flat. That is a dangerous question. All of a sudden I’m not sure if I really need a pump, I have visions of just two shots a day, meals without a real care, just checking in to make sure that I’m still good — which of course I always would be… it’s just a dream. Whether or not I want to accept it, I have diabetes. I thought I had gotten through the denial phase. Oh fuck. now I’m going backwards. again. at something else. I digress… the point is that my numbers are flat, the spooky flat way I imagine the the ocean would look before jaws jumps out to eat me (#SharkWeek is coming!). And I couldn’t figure it out… I mean in theory it’s good, but really it’s just spooky. I’ve been staying at around 120, seemingly no matter what I do — I eat and nothing happens. I keep waiting for something to happen, but then it doesn’t, and I’m weirdly disappointed and confused — not because I want my blood sugar to drop, but because I want it to make sense. As I typed that sentence, I heard my mistake — I can’t ever let myself think that this disease will ever make sense.
So I was weirded out enough to call my doctor — adjusted my basal insulin so I am only taking it in the am — which means I am down to 5 units of levemir per day, barely dosing with novolog for meals…this makes no sense. How can I have diabetes if I don’t need insulin, or at least need so little?
So I might know why… I have a confession to make… I’m still not eating, I mean I’m not starving myself, I am eating sometimes, but not normally, or enough by nutrition standards. I have been going through some personal shit lately and although I know that I have taken the right steps and am on the right path, it has been hard. really hard. way harder than I thought it was going to be. I made the right choice, so why does this hurt. Most of the time I’m fine, I did make the right choice, but the one thing that doesn’t seem to follow my rationalizing is my appetite, I’m just not hungry. I’m trying, I’m making myself, but I am just not hungry. I don’t feel like eating waffles. I love waffles. So maybe that’s why my blood sugar is stable… I don’t really feel like eating, so I’m not going to think too hard about that one.
So…in summary (because I have been so all over the place): I’m not sure I made the right choice with omnipod, I’m not sure I made the right choice about a pump period, my blood sugar is weirdly stable, but I’m not eating, so maybe that’s why my blood sugar is stable