I’ve been pretty stressed lately, mostly due to some personal drama, but work doesn’t help. At any rate, sometimes my reaction to stress is complete loss of hunger — the other day, I made my breakfast, only to sit down at the table and just stare at it, I choked it down, but I was literally forcing myself to eat because of diabetes, if I didn’t have to worry about my blood sugar I would have skipped it altogether. It wasn’t just breakfast, it’s been a few days now, and I’m just not hungry. It seems when I do get hungry, and eat a normal portion, then I feel sick, and then I don’t want to eat again. I thought I would have bounced back by now. I’m not dropping too much weight, only a few pounds, but after dropping so much weight pre-diagnosis, I am weary of any weight loss.
My relationship with food has morphed into this awful science experiment of carbs, hunger, emotion, sickness, dehydration… sometimes I’m starving, but my blood sugar is stable or high, so I skip a meal. sometimes it’s low, but I don’t feel like eating, so I don’t — the low either goes away on it’s own, or I end up having to treat it with fast-acting sugar (usually a sprite or a juice box). It seems that whatever the problem, my answer is to just not to eat. If I don’t eat at least the situation won’t change — too much. If I eat, I have to do math. And that math may or may not be correct, and there’s no way for me to figure it out. it’s a formula with an unknown variable — and no way to solve for it. in short, I’m fucked. So my answer is “no input = minimal change” — while this is true, it’s not healthy. I know this. but I’m tired of doing math. I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t even want to consider the other implications — ketones, hospitals, exhaustion, mental fog… not to mention the longer term diabetic “complications.” I’m just tired. I’m done. Fuck this.