Dear Diabetes, you suck.

a front end developer who also happens to have type 1 diabetes

Ominpod, you’re not even here yet and I maybe hate you

http://pumppeelz.com/

What my Omnipod could look like… with a peel from pumppeelz.com

I don’t so much hate the omnipod, so much as I hate the whole idea of a pump. yet another thing being attached to me (I already have a CGM), something putting insulin into my body without my active consent (i.e. an injection), having to depend on something else to live… another something else. a something else with a battery. something else that could fail me. something else that I will be dependent on. that I will have to trust. Fuck this.

When I got off of the phone with the doctor’s office, after finally conceding to starting on the pump, I was surprised to feel relieved, I knew I would feel scared and hesitant, and cautiously optimistic, but I did not expect to feel relieved. So here’s the dilemma, I hate it (the omnipod), but I’m also really ready for things to be better. I hate letting myself get hopeful, because then my hopes can be dashed, whatever it was I was counting on will fall through and I’ll be even worse off for having had hope in the first place… now putting that personal baggage to the side for a moment… will the omnipod make my life better? easier? am I delusional? is everyone lying to me? the support groups seem to be in favor of pumps in general, but then I have heard bad reviews too. Once you’ve decided on starting with a pump, it seems similar to buying a fridge — everyone has an opinion, but in the end they are pretty much all the same. The real question is — do I even want a fridge? what if I like my ice chest? is it really and ice chest or is it just an equal fridge-type thing that gets a bad rap for being less cool than a fridge when really it’s just the same… I think I’ve lost my point in the metaphor. I am not in love with the idea of the pump, however, it seems that my doctor is… or at least it is what she thinks will help me manage my diabetes best. If it has to be a pump, at least it doesn’t have any tubing, I think it helps that the omnipod will essentially feel like just a larger CGM, it’s not as startling to my reality this way. I know that there are other things that will be different, but at least the aspect of wearing something on my body isn’t totally new… I mean that’s something…

I don’t like things that I don’t know. Lack of knowledge prevents me from making fail proof plans around every aspect of something. I strongly dislike things without fail proof plans. It seems recently that nothing has a fail proof plans. I’m not happy with much lately. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of getting the pump. I’m scared of not getting the pump. I just want to feel better. I want to feel better. I don’t want to have to worry about all the things I have learned to worry about. I don’t want to worry about the things that I don’t know enough about to worry about and what I’m going to figure out tomorrow that I will then wish I had known earlier and will then double worry about from then on. I just want to be okay and to not have to worry so much. and to not die. and maybe also to not have diabetes. if I’m just saying everything I want here and not sticking to possible and/or rational things. while I’m at it, could I ask for a working support system… one where both I am capable of asking for support and those I ask are capable of providing it — I don’t think that one is possible.

2 Comments

  1. I’m so sorry you’re having trouble trusting both the idea of the insulin pump, and your decision to move forward with it.

    For my part, I put off the insulin pump for nearly a decade, dismissing it as an expensive insulin-delivery device. After getting a cut between two toes last year and a raging infection that required surgery, I finally got the pump in December. I wish I had done it much, much, much sooner.

    I use the Medtronic 530g insulin pump and Enlite CGM sensor. It is far easier to deal with than I realized. I like knowing what kind of ballpark my blood sugar is in without having to do a finger stick every hour, and I feel in better control with my pump than without it. I’m not sure how your pump differs from mine, but I never have a dose “without my consent.” Sure, there is the background basal insulin, but it delivers just like my pancreas would, if it was functional. I dial in what my blood sugar is, what good I’m eating, and get to decide how much of it I actually want to deliver. The best part for me is that my pump does the calculation for me, taking into consideration what insulin I already have in my system, thus cutting out the chance that I will “stack” my insulin and have too much in my system.

    I really hope your position changes with the start of your pump, and that you find it to be way easier with it than without!

  2. Thanks so much for sharing your experience — I am moving forward with the Omnipod, I talked to the rep and he was also type 1, I’m sure they do that on purpose, but he was able to answer all my questions, even all the geeky technology and science questions — so here we go… now to hear back from insurance…

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: