ShakespeareIf shakespeare were diabetic that is what he would ask. I am so confused. When making a decision about whether or not to eat, I find myself consulting my CGM instead of asking myself if I’m hungry. This ends up with late afternoons where I have had just a small breakfast… why do I feel faint? why do I have a headache? why can I not concentrate well? …ummm…. maybe because a kid yogurt and a waffle are not enough to power my brain and body all day. Yeah, maybe that’s it. What’s that you say? I’m low at noon? I have a solution… let’s eat a whole chipotle burrito bowl and some chips and not take any insulin… let’s definitely not treat the low and then wait to normalize and then dose appropriately for the food I’m eating… no, let’s not do that, let’s just eat the whole burrito and then deal with it later. #fantasticplan #not

I’m really having trouble with food lately and it bugs me because I was never that way. I’ve had the occasional “I’m so fat” thoughts, but no more than anyone who lives in a beach city in CA… you would second guess yourself too if you lived in the land of models and beach volleyball players, it’s like a parallel universe… I digress. How for someone so responsible in nearly every aspect of my life, meticulously taking statistics and experimenting with behavioral change to improve my life and habits in other realms of my life — can I mess up/ignore the part of my life that actually comes with built in numbers, statistics and tracking? Maybe I’m tapped out. Maybe I’m in denial. Maybe I’m still angry. Maybe I’m defiant. I think it’s probably a little of all of those. For whatever reason, I can’t seem to motivate myself around taking care of my diabetes… I snooze my CGM like it’s an alarm clock, even though I know (when thinking rationally) that it is an important tool, there to keep me safe, not just be another irritating beeping device in the over populated world of smart devices. But I guess there is the most important contingency, “when thinking rationally.” Not only can I not claim that on a regular basis on my own, add in diabetes, and BiPolar and it’s a rare day that I’m rational all on my own… more days I can talk to myself and come to a rational conclusion, but there are a significant number of days where my sanity could definitely be questioned, let alone my ability to think rationally. So I guess this post ends the way most of my posts have been ending recently… help.