Yesterday was a bad day — ranging from a low of 48 all the way up to a high of 390, needless to say, I was wiped out. Now today, I have a diabetes hangover. I’m exhausted, dehydrated, and completely fogged out. I want to share this because it has been a repeated experience for me — one that has been both consistent and consistently frustrating. I am fogged out and exhausted. I’m not in great shape to be doing anything, let alone writing or doing anything that requires brain power, but I need to feel better and writing here helps me to feel better.
Feeling like this, this hangover, makes me so angry at diabetes. I’m doing my best (sort of) and I get screwed. Let me qualify the “sort of” — I am trying to do my best, when I’m not throwing internal tantrums. When I’m throwing a tantrum against myself I eat whatever I want, whether or not I’m correcting, if I am correcting I over do it. If I am hungry, I eat whatever I want and then wonder why I feel like shit and am so exhausted that I need to nap (see: high blood sugar). Or I don’t eat because my blood sugar is fine and then I have no food to properly run my brain and I feel like shit and am so exhausted that I need to nap (see: high blood sugar). Then I realize that either option ends with me feeling like shit, exhausted, and needing a nap… so what’s the point in trying. Fuck this. On the few days that my blood sugar does behave, it seems to be only because I am consumed with getting right… and I can’t live like that all the time. So it seems that my options are a) Make my life revolve around my diabetes and have good numbers or b) Have a life and not have good numbers. I know that there should be a clear answer, but I don’t have one. I am not willing to have my life revolve around diabetes, just like when I got sober, I managed that in order so that I could live my life and I intend to do the same with diabetes, I will take care of it, but only because keeping it in check enables me to live a fuller life. So, no Diabetes, I refuse to make my life revolve around you, but I also need to control my numbers, so that I don’t die and/or suffer terrible complications… so right now it feels like I am at an impasse, but I refuse to pick one of the offered paths. In the least romanticized way, I have to make my own path. A path that will include not dying and having a life… I’m not sure what that looks like, so maybe I’ll just wander around in the “woods” until my own steps create a path behind me… this is way to much symbolism this early in the day, or possibly ever. Maybe my diabetes hangover is making me delirious… wait, let’s make that a statement. My diabetes hangover is definitely making me delirious. Fuck Diabetes. Fuck all of this. Fuck food and blood sugar and testing and headaches and hydrating and CGMs and marshmallows and lots of other things — because I’m angry and I need a direction to point it at, even if the marshmallows haven’t done anything… I don’t care.
And now enter the dull headache, starting behind my eyes, I know given some time it will creep forward into my temples and my ears… this afternoon is going to be fantastic*.