Sitting at my desk. Hungry. Today I’ve had a yogurt, a small sprite (blood sugar), and a packet of powdered doughnuts (sort of blood sugar) — that totals 550 calories. It also makes me that girl that tells you what she’s eaten today. If my blood sugar is at an okay level, do I need to eat? The answer is not yes or no, but another question — are you hungry? Do you need to eat calories? At 4pm today I was uncontrollably falling asleep, even though my blood sugar was fine… I was confused, there was an errant thought that maybe I haven’t eaten enough today, but I am convinced that that’s not it. I am hungry, but my blood sugar is okay, so I won’t eat anything. I’ll wait until my sugar is low enough that I have to emergency eat and then my sugar will spike up and again I won’t want to eat anything, because then I’ll have to give insulin and what if I give the wrong amount and then I crash, or if I don’t give enough and I go too high… the easy option is just not to eat anything unless absolutely necessary. My logical brain knows that this is the wrong choice, an unhealthy choice, but I’m scared and sad and mad and I have a headache. I feel like an idiot. Of course I don’t feel well… I haven’t provided my body with the calories it needs to function (enter excuses: but I’m at a fine/a little over weight or I ate yesterday, I should be okay). Again, my rational brain knows that this is not right, but I do nothing about it. I’ve been thinking about going to get something to eat for the last two hours, while my headache gets worse and I just sit here, whining about it to the internet. Everything I think of isn’t nutritious or wouldn’t be diabetic friendly. I’m so overwhelmed. Part of me doesn’t want to address this, but I know my current path/behavior is not sustainable. I hate change. my head hurts. I’m tired. my throat is dry and I’m stuffy and phlemy from allergies. I’m probably (definitely) dehydrated. Fuck Diabetes. I should probably get something to eat.

Apparently, a person needs about 2000 calories per day… so I’m roughly 1500 off the mark… Chipotle it is… now to convince myself to leave the house…

[Update: It took me another 2 hours to go get food… but I made it out of the house and ate. #GoTeamSophie¬†#smallvictories]