Dear Diabetes, you suck.

a front end developer who also happens to have type 1 diabetes

Food Anxiety…what’s next diabetes?

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I’ve given a lot of thought to food over the last 7 months… it’ll be exactly 7 months since my diagnosis on Sunday… anyway, back to food, as I write this it is well past lunch time, I had only a yogurt for breakfast and I am yet to eat lunch, but my numbers are good, so I don’t want to eat and then throw them off… my body knows I’m hungry, I’m even feeling a bit light headed, but I just can’t bring myself to eat (and mess with my sugars). I’ve been able to be productive today, no fogging out through highs, no shaking through lows… but the trade-off is that I haven’t really eaten either… right now, that seems like a fair trade.

Noticing this trend in my behavior, I became curious if tight food control could become negative… well, it took about 0.4 seconds to think of a very negative possibility (see google search above). Most of the material seemed to be around “diabulimia” and the use of insulin restriction, and indicated that the disease would be used to mask the disorder. In my case, my questioning was more around a disorder developing in an attempt to control the disease. Clearly, I am by no means an expert on any of this, but what I do know is that not eating for any reason is not good for me. I also know, that I am mentally inclined to try to control everything. This is another situation in which I need to stay vigilant and aware of my feelings and actions — this time around food and insulin, in order to stay physically and mentally healthy. Great. Something else to think about. 

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So I let myself coast into the 60s because I didn’t want to eat anything to make myself go to high (and then get all fogged out), so instead I got really low and slow, and stopped making sense… fantastic alternative. Good job Sophie. Now what?! Sooooo mad. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at Diabetes. I’m mad that other people care about me enough to be frustrated with me for not taking care of myself. I’m so mad at everything. I feel so disconnected, I’m typing these words, and I am angry, but my hands and brain are moving with apathy, almost as if I could just pause and take a nap at any moment. Slowly coming out of the daze that is a low… slowly… maybe a few more minutes of internet trolling until my brain is able to fully click into place… or maybe I’ll just take a nap…

2 Comments

  1. My older sister has type one diabetes like me and she struggled with it a lot like I do and she went through diabulimia. I’m no expert on it either, but I can totally relate to this. It’s scary and I never want it to get as bad as it did with my sister. I’m here if you wanna talk!

    • Thanks Steffi — it’s definitely still a bit of a struggle, just reminding myself that I need to stay healthy in order to have the best chance of my diabetes behaving itself 🙂

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