I’m so frustrated… I want to be positive and learn about how to thrive with this and move on and be a better version of myself, but right now all I want to do is say “FUCK YOU Diabetes,” drop the mic and walk away, and leave diabetes feeling alone and rejected.
My main point of frustration is why diabetes has to affect everything else… I now have to consider diabetes in absolutely ever aspect of my life:
- I’m leaving the house — do I have my kit? where do I put it? do I need to bring a purse/bag/backpack? will that be appropriate? how much of a pain is that going to be? Am I low? do I need a snack? do I have emergency snacks?
- I’m going to work out — all of the above plus — do I have gatorade/water to stay up? where should I put my dexcom so I can hear it? do I make sure the trainer remembers that I have diabetes? does everyone else think I’m weird?
- Waking up — where’s my sugar? meal calculations. eat. insulin. plug in all actions to dexcom.
- Going to bed — where’s my sugar? test. plug into dexcom. Insulin.
- Meals — where’s my sugar? test. food calculations. what do I want to eat? can I eat that? should I eat that? do I care? test. insulin math. insulin. plug in all actions to dexcom.
- Middle of the night alarm — test. juice box. does the alarm go off again? do I need more? am I going to die in my sleep? do I care?
- Going to work — leaving the house plus — am I going to drop while at the office? will I be in a meeting? Is my alarm going to go off in the middle of something where I’m going to either look bad or have to explain my disease to everyone? do I have snacks that are meeting appropriate? what is everyone going to think if I’m checking my dexcom if they don’t know I have diabetes? Is it going to look unprofessional? yes, I know it’s a medical thing and people “understand” but still… is it going to look unprofessional? why do I care about this, but pretty much don’t care if people see me on facebook? what if I drop and forget a snack, or I’m stuck in a meeting away from my snacks, and I start shaking and pass out because I think it’s rude to step out at that time?
- At any random time of the day when I feel off, different, too tired, too wired, or just randomly — where’s my sugar? look at dexcom. maybe test. do I need a snack?
Objectively… for the most part diabetes and I have been okay lately, my insulin has been adjusted, it seems that my pancreas isn’t quite all the way dead yet, but other than that it’s been fine. The Dexcom has cut the number of daily finger pricks and brought me peace of mind during those “why do I feel weird?” moments. But I just don’t care. My feelings do not match the objective view of the situation.
I don’t know if my emotions affect my diabetes or if my diabetes affect my emotions… I’m pretty sure it’s both in which case I’m fucked. Let’s not even think about the fact that in addition to diabetes, I’m bringing bipolar and alcoholism to the table… my emotional stability is about as steady as a warped balance board. Diabetes, you suck. Please just go away you clingy bitch.
Boom. [Walk Away]