I have conceded to myself (and now to you) that this blog is about feelings. It is not as informational as intended, but I feel (haha) that the emotional journey of adjustment, trial and error, anger, and progress is just as important in it’s own way. Also, I have lots of feelings about everything, so expressing them here, rather than trying to be informative, is more authentic to me, which is something I’m actively working on in all aspects of my life.
With that in mind, I am also trying to be more positive, so below are five things I hate… and five things that are positive about my current situation with diabetes.
- Diabetes gets in the way of things that I want to do
- I will always be sick
- Living with this is altering my thinking and I’m not sure I’m okay with that
- Other people I care about are affected by this
- Diabetes causes me to be even more dependent on other things and people for support which I intrinsically hate, even though it is part of being human
- My Dexcom is actually helpful
- Diabetes is not the end of the world
- I have even better reasons to take good care of myself
- I pay closer attention to my health and to how it affects my mood, and therefore my interactions with other people — which has had positive outcomes
- It makes me appreciate being in a place and situation where I can have access to the best possible care
My hope is that there is at least one person out there who can relate to this and feels a little less alone for reading this and knowing that I am going through this too.
Monday is sensor replacement day. It went well, the insertion hurt a bit more than usual, but nothing major — I was starting to feel like I had the hang of this…. #FAIL
I calibrated as soon as it was ready, and then got ready to go to bed… and then the alarm went off… fine, I was a bit low… juice box, lay down, sleep… and then the alarm goes off…juice box, lay down, sleep… and then the alarm goes off… juice box…waaaaiiiittt, this doen’t make sense, stop, no juice box, old school blood test… I’m fine… lay down, sleep… the alarm goes off… old school blood test… I’m fine… lay down, sleep… the alarm goes off… old school blood test… I’m fine… lay down, sleep… AND that is how my night went, needless to say, I feel like shit today, both because I got no sleep and because my blood sugar is god knows where. Still all today my Dexcom is off — by anywhere from 50 to 150 mg/dL at different points so far… I thought this was supposed to help. This shit makes no sense.
I would love to say something like… “I’m sure it will get better” or “It will work out” or “As soon as I get settled in with the Dexcom” or anything positive, but I’m pretty sure that shit is just going to be like this now.
Great. Thanks Diabetes. You Suck.
I’m so frustrated… I want to be positive and learn about how to thrive with this and move on and be a better version of myself, but right now all I want to do is say “FUCK YOU Diabetes,” drop the mic and walk away, and leave diabetes feeling alone and rejected.
My main point of frustration is why diabetes has to affect everything else… I now have to consider diabetes in absolutely ever aspect of my life:
- I’m leaving the house — do I have my kit? where do I put it? do I need to bring a purse/bag/backpack? will that be appropriate? how much of a pain is that going to be? Am I low? do I need a snack? do I have emergency snacks?
- I’m going to work out — all of the above plus — do I have gatorade/water to stay up? where should I put my dexcom so I can hear it? do I make sure the trainer remembers that I have diabetes? does everyone else think I’m weird?
- Waking up — where’s my sugar? meal calculations. eat. insulin. plug in all actions to dexcom.
- Going to bed — where’s my sugar? test. plug into dexcom. Insulin.
- Meals — where’s my sugar? test. food calculations. what do I want to eat? can I eat that? should I eat that? do I care? test. insulin math. insulin. plug in all actions to dexcom.
- Middle of the night alarm — test. juice box. does the alarm go off again? do I need more? am I going to die in my sleep? do I care?
- Going to work — leaving the house plus — am I going to drop while at the office? will I be in a meeting? Is my alarm going to go off in the middle of something where I’m going to either look bad or have to explain my disease to everyone? do I have snacks that are meeting appropriate? what is everyone going to think if I’m checking my dexcom if they don’t know I have diabetes? Is it going to look unprofessional? yes, I know it’s a medical thing and people “understand” but still… is it going to look unprofessional? why do I care about this, but pretty much don’t care if people see me on facebook? what if I drop and forget a snack, or I’m stuck in a meeting away from my snacks, and I start shaking and pass out because I think it’s rude to step out at that time?
- At any random time of the day when I feel off, different, too tired, too wired, or just randomly — where’s my sugar? look at dexcom. maybe test. do I need a snack?
Objectively… for the most part diabetes and I have been okay lately, my insulin has been adjusted, it seems that my pancreas isn’t quite all the way dead yet, but other than that it’s been fine. The Dexcom has cut the number of daily finger pricks and brought me peace of mind during those “why do I feel weird?” moments. But I just don’t care. My feelings do not match the objective view of the situation.
I don’t know if my emotions affect my diabetes or if my diabetes affect my emotions… I’m pretty sure it’s both in which case I’m fucked. Let’s not even think about the fact that in addition to diabetes, I’m bringing bipolar and alcoholism to the table… my emotional stability is about as steady as a warped balance board. Diabetes, you suck. Please just go away you clingy bitch.
Boom. [Walk Away]
Yesterday was a BIG day.
It was the first real Crossfit class I’ve been to since I started back working out. And it was my first real workout with the Dexcom. It went really well. It was hard. I’m sore today (which means I’m going to be really sore tomorrow). I didn’t crash, I dropped 80 mg/dL in an hour, but I walked out of there at around 90 mg/dL without having to stop in the middle of my workout. I sipped a gatorade/water mix the whole time and had my monitor somewhere where I could see/hear it most of the time. I also battled my ever present “not a part of” feeling — that thought that everyone in the group didn’t like me and no one wanted to be my friend… I’m so awkward (or at least I feel really awkward), in new situations. I am committing to myself and now to the internet universe that I am going to do something active three days per week. I want to do crossfit M/W/F each week, but I will accept any type of exercise to meet this goal. Also, after ten crossfit sessions, I will buy myself new shoes as a prize. #timidlyhopeful #cautiouslyoptimistic
I’m still working through potential diet plans and workout strategies to support staying active… recap of my findings to be posted soon. Special thanks to @t1dactiveliving for her help finding information.