Today was terrible. I know that the diabetic educator was just trying to help, but really?! this disease wants me to entertain having something attached to my body at all times? like a sick old person? No. No thank you very much, I decline. Add to that when I walked into the appointment there was a second patient chair sitting there looking at me, as if to ask, “really? no one here to support you?” and in my head I’m like “No, fuck you chair. I don’t need anyone else’s help with this stupid disease”… and then the nurse started talking to me about glucagon, as you may know, my dearest diabetes, glucagon is what I require when I don’t do an adequate job of being my own pancreas and pass out due to low blood sugar… at this point there is nothing I can do. There is no point in me having glucagon, it’s for someone else to help me, when I literally wouldn’t be able to do it for myself. Well I’m sure you can guess how well that went down with me… I think my exact reaction was “No.” The rest of the appointment was pretty much useless at that point, I was paralyzed by the fact that this disease is forcing me to be dependent on others — which I hate, because I am an island and I need no one (okay, I know that’s not true, but I have a really hard time accepting that that is not the truth).
I’m really just scared. I talked to a friend about all of this today, I’m so lucky to have her in my life. She has done this already. I am always surprised when I reach out for help and the other person is there and willingly — what a wonderful world. What I was able to take out of our conversation today is that my life is not going to be the same, I am not going to be able to adjust my old life to diabetes, and that’s okay. I am going to build a new life, one that includes taking care of this new part of my life, and it’s scary and I can be upset about it, but it’s also still going to be okay. Maybe if I say it a hundred times I’ll be able to believe it.